an army of me

Sweet Jesus

2011-05-10T21:13:00.000-07:00

Freedom is mine!!!

And so is a Master's degree as of 5/21.

mi madre

2011-05-05T20:54:00.000-07:00

while i appreciate the sentiment behind posting photos of your mom on facebook, i don't think my mom would care much for it. my aunts and cousins would surely tell her i put a picture up of her on facebook. however, she doesn't know about my blog! so this one goes out to my momma, even though she can't see it. she's pretty much the best.

I cropped little Carl out of the picture because he sucks. Or because he's super cute and thus a distraction.

7:17 am, no sleep, still writing.

2011-05-04T05:17:00.000-07:00

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

super important updates

2011-05-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

i forgot how awesome black eyeliner is. i know! stupid me! i've been on a chocolate liner kick lately, but busted out ol' faithful for nostalgia's sake. uh... i remember why it's been an addiction for most of my adult life--shit's awesome, yo.
so this is officially the last night i will be working on my Master's Report because, well, i don't actually have a choice. it's do or die, man. it's about 35 pgs of sheer fucking genius. okay, okay, it's about 35 pgs of mediocre academic writing. fun! excitement!
while on the subject of my MA Report, can I just be a total nerd for a moment--shut up, i know you're thinking i'm a nerd all the moments--but, dude, footnotes are the best. look, i have to get my kicks where i can and, whilst writing the MA Report, footnotes are seriously about as good as it gets. sad, i know.
i just realized i haven't slept since the night before last. seriously, i just realized this. i thought, "damn, why am i so tired?" and then i thought, "dude, you haven't slept in ages." ages, man, ages. what is this sleep of which you speak?
yeah, my life sucks right now, but as of monday, may 9th, it's all over. then UT gives me money to spend my summer drinking beer and reading books poolside. mmm... beer... oh how i wish i could drink one right now.

Back to work! No sympathy for the devil!

barf

2011-04-12T14:14:00.000-07:00

i'm so stressed. seriously, i want to hide in my room for the next week. human interaction seems so painful right now (well, outside of school). it's almost good that i have so much work to do because i can completely immerse myself in it and not think about life. fucking life. i don't want to do ANYTHING that involves the real world. yeesh, on the bright side i've finally managed to unite escapism and school work. silver lining?

Oh how the mighty have fallen...

2011-04-10T21:19:00.001-07:00

best incorrect answer on a quiz EVER

2011-04-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

Question: Who edited T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land" and later turned to fascism, supporting both Hitler and Mussolini?

Correct Answer: Ezra Pound

Nameless Male Student's Answer: I was sick that day. To entertain you, I will tell you that you are miserably (underlined twice) beautiful. Miserable in that it's the kind of stuff men start wars over.

A+++++++++?

Spring Break...

2011-03-20T16:46:00.001-07:00

you were all kinds of awesome.

i thought libras were about balance

2011-03-10T20:24:00.000-08:00

while one area of my life disintegrates, another is developing quite nicely.

i had this moment in class today (as i went toe-to-toe with a - how do i put this nicely - ignorant classmate of mine) where it became clear to me once again why i am here killing myself (and my love life). the idealistic vision i had when beginning grad school, nay, working towards grad school (seeing as all romantic notions faded as soon as i attended the recruitment weekend, which occurred roughly five months before the first day of class itself) was nearly forgotten until today.

you see, i've decided to once again pursue both mexican american and african american (and, of course, american in general - these are merely specializations) literature. initially, the idea of returning to mexican american literature was a selfish act: as both a mexican american and a woman, i have a better chance of getting a job with a specialization in mexican american lit. but today, the passion i once had for my own culture and people came flooding back as i challenged my colleague. i'm here for a reason and that is to do my part - how ever insignificant it may be - in changing the way people think about latinos (and marginalized peoples in general).

i'm an angry person, but, to be fair, i'm angry for a few damned good reasons. at this moment, i could erupt in a long diatribe concerning what i despise and why i despise it, but i'll save it for my work (seeing as it needs such passion). what i mean to say here is that i see it now, i see why i was accepted into this program that often makes me feel like an idiot out of her element. so yeah, maybe i'm here as a result of some fellowship that is just a thinly veiled version of affirmative action and maybe i'm not at the same intellectual level as everyone else, but i'm here nonetheless. and i'm getting shit done.

But I love love, yes I do, even when its weight cripples you.

2011-03-10T19:27:00.000-08:00

I get the impression that people tend to mistake how generous I am with my feelings for them as a sign of weakness. When I love, I love. I love entirely, completely, all that you are. I love with passion and if I believe in what we have I will fight for it.

Perhaps this is the problem? Perhaps it's a lot to live up to? Because the same thing happens every time. The same things go wrong. And the same outcome always occurs. And I'll tell you what, I'm not the one looking weak in the end.

Writing a Master's Report blows.

2011-03-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

Jezebel commenter said:

"... you're not actually sleeping with the person you're sleeping with for the first four months of your relationship. You're sleeping with your vision of who that person is and what it says about you. Sometimes it turns out the other person doesn't have much to offer beyond that."

Yvette says:

"True dat."

In other news, I'm in desperate need of beer. And someone to drink said beer with me. Like NOW.

vintage yvette

2011-01-05T14:34:00.001-08:00

my pops and i

well hell yeah

2010-12-19T22:00:00.000-08:00

grades are in. A's. holla.

also, my uncle tom's cabin paper was accepted to a conference in louisiana(!), which will be in march/april of 2011. i'm kind of sort of 100% totally excited. conferences are a big deal in grad school world.

i've been MIA lately spending time with mi familia. philip leaves tomorrow (i'm sad) and samuel is born on tuesday. big things are happening.

oh... hey.

2010-12-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

yeah somehow i forgot to mark a truly wonderful event: semester 3 of grad school is complete.

(i'll wait for the applause to die down before i continue...)

yes and in true yvette fashion i decided to celebrate the night before heading back to san antonio so i am currently hungover and in a pissy mood. barf city! no, not really, just a bad headache.

in other news, philip is in from Boston this afternoon. Woohoo! For those of you who don't know (all one of you who reads this), i see my brother once every year and a half, two years, something like that. so i'm really excited. last time i saw him was the summer before starting grad school. that feels so long ago... i was so young... so innocent... so in love with literature.

in other other news, one of my students asked me out on a date. we went last night. it was he with whom i celebrated the completion of another semester. just kidding, of course. he's like 7 and i'm old enough to be his grandmother (okay he's probably 19 or 20, but still).

in final news, if i ever take engagement pictures, shoot me in the face.

Dear professor whose paper I am currently writing,

2010-12-13T00:15:00.000-08:00

Paper 2 - Complete

2010-12-10T02:36:00.000-08:00

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Actually, that might be pretty soon at the rate I'm going. My 48th hour of consciousness is now gone with the wind. 49 thinks I'll blink if it turns on the fan and points it at my eyes. What 49 doesn't know, though, is that I saw him trying that move where you blink a lot right before the contest begins thinking it will satisfy your need to blink for a while thereby prolonging the time in which you are able to keep your eyes open. 49, you moron, every smart person knows that the "blink a lot before the contest starts" move never works. Your eyes get teary and you can't see straight and it stings and YOU BLINK! Save your strategery for an amateur like yourself, young friend.

Did I mention that I haven't slept in over 48hrs? Oh, okay, yeah. Must've shut my eyes for a minute while typing that.

You have no idea how long it's taking me to write this. Seriously, if I just stop typing for a minute and, you know, just sit... MAN, instantly in the zone.

Monday, Dec. 6, 2010

2010-12-06T13:07:00.000-08:00

obviously i'm not in the mood for clever titles.

i've turned in one final paper and i have two more to go. one is due wednesday, the other is due next monday.

do you realize that i'll have written a total of sixty pages by next week? good god, i'm exhausted just thinking about it. as for that presentation last week: veni vidi vici. now i work on turning it into a final paper.

you know what freaks me out? like really freaks me out?

that's right, the aurora borealis. you call it beautiful, i call it creepy. look, man, sometimes i don't want to be mystified by the power of nature. i want to sit in my little world and pretend that i am in control of everything - i am the center of the universe. cause if i lose control, well, uh, i get a little psycho.

my last therapist said that in our next session she wanted to talk about my issues with perfectionism (which, she said, could be contributing to my anxiety -- i love how therapeme is one big DUH). i never returned.

do it.

2010-12-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

guess what

2010-12-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

i slept a total of, oh, twenty minutes.

i have a presentation at 3:30.

it's not finished.

i have class for most of the day.

i got this.

What a week

2010-11-30T10:15:00.000-08:00

I've been a failure at posting regularly since I started grad school. It's hard to succeed at a blog when you're barely succeeding in school! Okay, not barely succeeding, but putting in a lot of effort (and I do mean a lot, a ton, all of my energy, everything that I am, etc.) to get through each week.

What a week. It started last Sunday (the 21st) and it's just been getting worse and worse. I have so many things to due (typo, but it stays) and the time is just flying by. So I have to give up sleep in order to complete everything. I'm running on fumes these days.

I had a paper due yesterday. Okay, truth... I THOUGHT it was due yesterday. I finished it, ran to school to turn it in... um... it's due tomorrow. Worse - he extended it until next Monday. I'm terrible at life. On the other hand, my paper, my FINAL paper, is complete a week before it's due. That's just unheard of in Yvette world. The craziest part? It's actually good! And interesting! And it's for my Victorian Sex class, which, you know, 50% percent of that class is new to me (get it? get it? I know, I know, I'm the funniest person you know).

So I have another paper due tomorrow and here I am bedridden because I have zero energy and my allergies are killing me. Best part of today? I missed my first discussion section. My students left. Sigh... I'm a failure. Okay, but I checked my email and this is what was waiting for me:

"i just wanted to let you know how helpful all of your t.a. sessions were, and how lucky i feel to have had you as a t.a. you have helped me so much throughout this course, and i really don't think i would have enjoyed this class as much without you! see you tomorrow in class, and good luck with all your finals!"

I left out the part where she tells me everyone left when I didn't show up (teehee). How awesome is that? I mean, minus the grammar and all. Just kidding, I don't judge people's emails. yes i do. I'm a terrible person.

Anyway, I sincerely hope that your week is much better than mine.

title schmitle

2010-11-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

Ever read Beloved? Toni Morrison won the Pulitzer Prize for it in 1988. In 2010 it made Yvette a very depressed woman. But it's oh so good. Read it if you weren't already required to do so in high school.

Other than that, I'm pretty much overwhelmed by the amount of grading/writing/reading I have to do right now as the semester comes to an end. Next week is Thanksgiving and the following week is the first major due date. I can feel my chest tightening just as I think about it... tunnel vision...

Blech.

Oh, on a personal note, it's been 6 days with the IUD. I think my body is freaking out as it undergoes withdrawal from nine years of BCPs. In other words, I'm a mess. Hey, what's new there, though, right? SHUT IT.

Hey, blog. What's up?

2010-11-09T16:28:00.000-08:00

My weekend in a few pics:

The Hold Steady

Descendents (heck yes)

How awesome is Anthony's look here?

My Tuesday in a couple of pics:

Finally re-alphabetized my books. My library hasn't been this organized since the beginning of grad school. Ignore the books still on the floor. I'm not going to re-shelve them quite yet since I need them for upcoming papers. Honestly, I'm just in love with my books so I wanted to show them off. Aren't they lovely?

Bought this sweet dress at Forever21. Yeah, I'm 26, but I could pass for 21! Right? Right? Who cares, this dress is sweet.

In other news, today marks the date of birth for the most awesome person I know... no, not me... my Mom! Happy Birthday, Mom! Even though I know you do not read this, you still deserve a shout out here.

one big sigh

2010-11-04T12:36:00.000-07:00

This picture is so old. I think I'm about 19 here so it was about seven years ago (look at those eyebrows!). Anyway, I was thinking about Richard today and feeling heartbroken, but, you know, more than usual. Then I realized his birthday is coming up in a couple of days.

It's bizarre to think about how much I still hurt when missing him. I mean, obviously you feel better with time, but you really don't get over it. I know people say this, but this is the only heartbreak I've ever really experienced. Actually, his death was the first and only time I've experienced heartbreak. After that, breaking up with a boyfriend was nothing. I mean, that's a laughable situation compared to how I felt after Richard died.

Perhaps this is enough pain for one person and god decided I don't need anymore for quite some time (like, forever)? I wish.

I've got some good news and some bad news.

2010-11-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

Bad news first? I live in Texas. Yesterday was voting day (for the record, I voted last week like the good little citizen I am). As one who lives in Texas, my vote once again meant nothing, nothing at all. I don't particularly want to get into politics here, but oh it makes me sad.

Good news? I have a green light for my Master's Report topic and I am now working with an intimidatingly cool (but very helpful) professor. I. am. excited. Okay, I know I'm saying I'm excited right now and I know that in, oh, four months or so I am going to eat these words, but, come on, at the end of next semester I'll have my Master's in American lit and my actual report is a topic I've been interested in since undergrad. Hooray life! Hooray grad school! Hooray ME! Interested in my paper topic? I didn't think so... (though I will say I study race & ethnicity in fin de siècle and 20th century lit) But anyway, I'm so incredibly excited to be working with this particular professor. Because I am a nerd. And those are the things that excite nerds.

Also, I finished watching The Wire last night. Anthony and I worked our way through the series and I am heartbroken now that it's over. This seems to happen to me every time I watch a series in its entirety within the span of a couple of months. Seriously, I teared up three different times during the final episode. I'm a loser. NO! The show is just that good. So watch it.

I vow

2010-11-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

to use less foul language when writing blogs. Honestly, I just find curse words particularly funny. Obviously I am capable of expressing myself without such words (don't shake your head, I really am). Let's see if I can actually do it. And... GO!

Seriously, though

2010-10-31T11:49:00.001-07:00

I check the weather every day hoping to see "100% chance of heavy ass storms all day long!"
Why? Because I have these awesome new rain boots and a new trench coat since last year I spent many a day walking to school in misery. And now? AND NOW? No rain. NONE! Not since the first month of school. Ain't that some shit?
This is the week, man. Come on rain!

And now back to my previously scheduled book review.

ETA: Moments after I clicked "Publish Post," a fire truck pulled up outside. It seems the dildos next door (we live next to a frat house of some sort) somehow lit their privacy gate (which is really a few tall pieces of lumber nailed together) on fire. The old granny in me is saying "That's what you get for having a loud Halloween party last night as I tried to write my paper!" Everything smells like smoke now. Good job, frat boys, good job.

Bah Humbug

2010-10-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

It's Halloween weekend and I'm in my room working on a book review that's due Monday. For once I actually managed to resist going out when it's in my best interest to stay home.

You know, guys say that they want to date smart chicks, but they really need to add a disclaimer to that shit. What they mean to say is that they want to date relatively smart chicks - smart, but not too smart because that's just emasculating.

I hate just about everyone at the moment.

Another cheerful update from yours truly.

arrested development.

2010-10-26T15:26:00.000-07:00

remember that time i said i'm glad i didn't die? me neither...

just kidding, i'm still glad(ish)

i just wolfed down 3 huge slices of pizza. i ordered said pizza because i don't cook anymore. ever. because I HAVE NO TIME. oy, don't even get me started. wait... too late.

last night i had a mini breakdown (my first this semester - a vast improvement from last year). everything i wanted to wear was dirty because i have no time to do laundry (and even if i could get the clothes separated and in the washer, they'd stay on my bed forever once out of the dryer because hanging/folding them would take far too long). so i sat in the middle of my closet for about ten minutes with my head in my hands. i miss the days in which i didn't carry a constant burden on my shoulders (seminar papers, grading papers, preparing for discussion section, conference proposals, master's reports, field exam, job, no roommate next year). i go to bed exhausted every single night and wake up early every single morning so as to fit in the maximum amount of work possible.

i know, i know, I'M DOING WHAT I LOVE! I SHOULD BE HAPPY! well, i am doing what i love, but it's still a pain in my ass and the cause of much anxiety.

bright side: today, i spent an hour with a student who failed her first exam. she came to see me for help on an essay. i walked her through emerson and thoreau; she left confident. i walked her through emerson and thoreau. 'twas the best hour of my day.

now can someone please come over and help me figure out a topic for my victorian sex seminar paper? oh, and while you're here, how bout folding those damned towels sitting on my bed? throw the whites in the dryer while you're at it.

while it lasts...

2010-09-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

thanks to recent events that left me huddled with my students in a dark corner of a classroom so as to avoid a potential gunman finding and shooting us (all of which was apparently pointless since the one and only gunman was already dead and no second gunman actually existed), i've reevaluated lots of shit. those first two hours of absolute horror (which have left me with a headache from hell, i might add) were spent shaking and thinking about 1. the plan: what the fuck should my students and i do if this supposed gunman enters our room (we successfully developed one which involved large heavy desks and pens as potential weapons for stabbing the guy once we knocked him down with said heavy desks) and 2. what a dumbass trick i've been worrying about stupid small things all the time. so while i'm sure this love for life and "don't sweat the small stuff" attitude is temporary and all, let me just say i'm really fucking glad i didn't die. i thought i'd be okay with death. turns out i'm not. not even a little.

all the math i need these days.

2010-09-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

p.s. the true blood finale blew. i was waiting for her to jump on some alcide peen.

Who are Don and I Kidding?

2010-08-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

we both know we want this...

DTMFA

2010-08-12T05:06:00.000-07:00

next monday, august 16th, anthony and i celebrate three years of dating.

maybe after five years we'll consider living together! and after seven years marriage might be in the picture! aren't relationships fun?!

screw you, life, as you tick tock in my ear and remind me that my fallopian tubes and uterus are rotting just a bit more every day. and as you constantly mention that my life won't even really begin until age thirty seeing as i'm the eternal student.

oh the idea of things not working out and having to start at square one...

i'm just tired. exhausted, really. i want real life. i want home. i want something... something more. i'm so fucking tired of living for the future. i've been doing it my entire life. in grade school and middle school it was all about making the grades necessary to get into incarnate word. at incarnate word it was about making it into college. in college it was about grad school. and here i am... and now it's about doing well enough to make it as a someone in the academic world when i'm 30 (i keep referring to the big 3-0 because it's right around the time in which i hope to be finished with my program). everything is in preparation for my future life.

ah but wait. the wise james douglas morrison wishes to remind me of something:

"the future's uncertain and the end is always near. "

bring it, life.

life is sucking pretty hard this week.

2010-07-27T13:50:00.001-07:00

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): During the Tang Dynasty, a golden age of
Chinese culture, educated people didn't use clichéd salutations to begin
and end their encounters with each other. No "Hi, how you doing?" or
"See you later. Take care." Instead, they improvised creatively,
composing poetic riffs appropriate for the occasion. "Your face is
especially bright today. Are you expecting to see a lucky cloud?" or "I'll
bask in your glories again later. In the meantime, may you find a brisk
blend of elegance and mischief." I'd love to see you do something like
that, Libra. It's prime time to boost your alliances to a higher octave. Give
more to your collaborators, and ask for more, too.

i'm currently watching sixteen candles

2010-07-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

from urban dictionary:

	Jake Ryan
	A term used by women to describe the "perfect boyfriend." Refers to the character portrayed by Michael Schoeffling in the quintessential 1980's teen movie "Sixteen Candles". Women swoon over this idealized composite of the "perfect guy" but deep down know that one guy cannot possibly possess all of the qualities displayed onscreen by this actor: good looks, wealthy, courteous and respectful to privacy issues (as in where he picks up the "sex test" dropped by Molly Ringwald's character Samantha in which she reveals she wants to do 'it' with Jake; come on, most teen guys would be showing that thing off as a trophy and poor Samantha's psyche would be crushed.) Only onscreen would a perfect-looking guy dump his super-sexy, shapely girlfriend for a skinny, gawky, freckled younger redheaded woman, who although smart, isn't exactly a head-turner. Yet women idealize Jake Ryan and all he stands for; for them he is their Holy Grail on two legs. Rich, kind, considerate, polite to parents, not a bully, even rescues her from a horrific wedding only to surprise her with a birthday cake for a birthday everyone forgot. Oh, and did I mention that he loves her as much as she loves him? Thankfully for us there's movies...where we can lose ourselves in fantasy...if only for a while. Even my wife thinks that "Jake Ryan" is the perfect guy.....and that's ok. I always thought that the sister who was getting married in the film, Ginny Baker (played by Blanche Baker) was pretty hot....

no words necessary

2010-07-13T10:25:00.001-07:00

firsts: cowboy boots

2010-06-29T06:13:00.000-07:00

Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a boot of wealth and taste...

Rocketbuster "Cool Arrows." Get it? Get it? Cool... Arrows... c'mon, you get it, right?

Did I mention that my job has many perks? I'm poor as hell, but now own boots that cost more than I've made all summer.

i said goddamn

2010-06-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

Here I am thinking I know what's what on True Blood and then this guy walks in. I've been waiting for Alcide since I finished the book in which he first appeared and, dear Alan Ball, you didn't disappoint. I heard he was going to be in the upcoming episode (which aired last night), so I watched just long enough to get a glimpse of Alcide in all his flannel-wearing, southern-accent sporting glory.

Oh how I love the fact that my favorite show is based on a series of books written by a woman and that the show itself was created by/episodes are often written and directed by a gay man. YES! Finally a television show in which the eye candy is predominately male (the hot females always end up dying).

But back to Alcide... apparently tall, dark, and ~~fucking hot~~ handsome walks in and I forget about old Eric Northman. I sound like a sex-crazed fangirl. I AM a loser. That's okay, though. I'm allowed to be obsessed with one show in my lifetime.

orale

2010-06-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

here's something i like about san antonio: i can wear earrings that border on ghetto and no one will judge me. that's right, i can look all latina and shit and blend right in with every other 20something (except those in stone oak, though if you're there late enough at night, we take over that side of town, too). that shit don't fly in austin.

here's something i don't like about san antonio: damn near everything else.

i live in austin; i'm better than you! or so everyone assumes. but remember, puto, i'm from san antonio. that's right, i'm not all that cool considering my big escape took me 90 miles away.

shit, in hindsight, 90 miles IS an escape. this city is a fucking black hole that sucks you in and makes you feel as though leaving is completely unnecessary and, hell, even impossible at times. but i still don't want to believe that austin is where i should be, even if i do (secretly) love it there.

seriously, though, i miss austin. i feel guilty for missing it since i know i should value the time i'm spending con mi familia, but this place feels so foreign lately.

mira, "this place." who the hell do i think i am?

one more!

2010-06-23T12:17:00.000-07:00

"Talking like a jerk
Except you are an actual jerk
And living proof that sometimes friends are mean."

oh. i got my first speeding ticket today. i'm quite sure that john hughes is somehow behind this (and nearly every other bad thing in my life... can you see me shaking my fist at you, john? i won't give you the honor of having your own tag, john. stop trying.)

to be continued

2010-06-23T12:13:00.001-07:00

things i will do this year:

attend a symphony performance
attend an opera performance (i was going to wait for madame butterfly, but since watching amadeus i've grown a bit anxious)
exercise despite my crazy school/work schedule
finish school books (this is probably the hardest task on this list)
play by the rules (winkity wink wink)

more to come...

but wait, there's more

2010-06-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): What have you lost in recent months, Libra?
This week begins a phase when you will have the potential to not exactly
recover it, but rather to re-create it on a higher level. Maybe a dream that
seemed to unravel was simply undergoing a reconfiguration, and now
you're primed to give it a new and better form of expression. Maybe a
relationship that went astray was merely dying so it could get
resurrected, with more honesty and flexibility this time around.

Oh, Rob... sometimes I feel as though you really know me.

So anyway, I had this crazy, somewhat depressing dream about Richard last night. Okay, I'm lying. It was incredibly depressing and I probably couldn't tell it out loud. Thank goodness for blogs, right?
So I'm skipping over insignificant details to get to the meat of the story. I'm sitting on the couch in my old house next to Richard. Richard is sitting next to one of my brothers and Anthony is sitting on the old recliner we used to have. We're watching television and someone on the tv says something about the secret of life... this person died and apparently part of the reward of dying was the fact that you learned the secret of life in the afterlife (now of course this secret was revealed in my dream, but I don't remember what it was). So I turned to Richard and whispered "Is that really it?" He looked at me and said "What do you mean?" So I asked again, "Is that really it? Is that really the secret of life?" Naturally I have a huge grin thinking I'm going to learn the secret of life. Then Richard turns to me and says "I don't know. I don't know because I'm stuck here with you. You won't let go so I have to stay here until you do." Then he went back to watching tv and I realized that I was the only person in the room who could actually see him. So obviously I felt pretty guilty knowing he was stuck there for me so I tried to convince myself that I was okay with him leaving. He looked at me as though he knew what I was thinking and gave me this look that said "It's not that easy. I'm still here." So every moment he remained was evidence that I wasn't over it and wasn't ready or willing to let him go. How fucked up is that? He wasn't mad at me, that was clear. He just kept on watching tv, laughing as though nothing were wrong.

What a shitty dream.

you won't understand this unless you know the super secret code

2010-06-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

fuck you very much, john hughes.
oh, and RIP.

i'm in love with alan ball.

2010-06-16T09:28:00.001-07:00

Exhibit A: Michael C. Hall and Peter Krause as David and Nathaniel Fisher

a word to the wise: don't begin your day by watching reruns of Six Feet Under. despite the fact that two of my favorite men are on this show (see exhibit A), it's still depressing as shit. so yeah, don't do it.
seriously, after finishing the series a couple of months ago, I can't watch a single episode without feeling overwhelmingly depressed. if you've never seen it, though, I urge you to watch it. Yes, urge. it's had such an impact on my life, no exaggeration. you see, i've always had this terrible relationship with death, that is, the death of others; I'm not particularly concerned about my own death. after this show, i felt compelled to establish some sort of new understanding with death. I suppose I'll elaborate on this one day. My point? Watch Six Feet Under. You won't regret it and your life will be incomplete if you choose not to watch.

I should add that I love this show so much that I've decided to name my son (should I have one) Nathaniel. I already love that cheeky bastard Nathaniel Hawthorne, but Mr. Nate Fisher made me love the name even more.

post scriptum

2010-06-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

my sincerest apologies to mr. nicholas cage. he was also in peggy sue got married. two good movies.

it could be cool.

2010-06-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

yeah, did you know that nic cage actually made a great movie once?

Ah, summer!

2010-05-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

So I've been home for less than a week now and things decent so far. I'm working again, though only 20hrs a week for the first month or so, which is fucking brutal on my bank account. I'm so broke. Okay, truthfully I've been broke for the past few months. I've taken to selling most of my shit on ebay & other places like that. It's not a bad gig with the exception of the fact that a ton of people on these damned sites feel like they can treat you like crap thanks to the anonymity of the internet. What's worse is that I'm so desperate for money I have to just deal with it. So, kids, learn from my mistakes: don't develop shopping addictions and don't have credit cards that fuel the addiction. This all started with a pair of True Religion jeans, I'll have you know. At least I still wear the fuckers, which is actually sad since I don't even like True Religion anymore. Does anyone?

Anyway, I'm back to living at home. I do love being here, but sometimes my mom forgets I'm 25. She also forgets that I have a pretty decent memory because she feels the need to remind me constantly of things I'm supposed to do. I guess she's allowed to do that since she is my mother and I am living here for free. Her nagging is my rent. I endure it and it alone is a hardship equal to rent. What does Anthony get in exchange for tolerating my nagging? Heh...

obvious hot is still hot sometimes

2010-05-20T07:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, seriously, this time I'm really jealous.

Vampire Bill? Eh, he's okay.
Eric? I'd contemplate immortality, I mean seriously consider it, if it meant spending at least the vast majority of eternity with Askars.

Pardon me, I just finished writing a paper on True Blood, re-watching the first season, and giving a presentation on the show v. the books. Oh and I'm reading the most recent addition to the series. So yeah, I've got True Blood on the brain.

Here's one more for good measure:

Uh huh, that's right...

2010-05-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

E 391L	CONF COURSE: SUPERVISED STUDY	35245	A	12.00
E 395M	REAUTHORIZING THE AMER RENAIS	35295	A	12.00
E 395M	US REGIONAL LIT: PROB/PROSPECT	35300	A	12.00

recap of this week's episode of "grad school, fuck you!"

2010-05-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

oh man.
in the past two days, i have slept a total of 4hrs and 20min. i have currently walked the land of no-sleep for 24hrs straight. why am i not asleep right now, you ask? i have no good answer. i'm delirious, look for good answers elsewhere.
get this... anthony and i went to see norm macdonald at the comedy club last night. obviously we purchased the tickets prior to the realization that i'd be in "oh shit i'm screwed" mode. somehow despite being in this mode, i rationalized three shiners during the show. try shaking that shit off in order to write your paper, which you're going to stay up all night to complete.
yvette, why didn't you start your paper earlier so as to avoid this situation? bitch, i did! i apparently have this disease that forces me to write slower than hell for two weeks, thus screwing me over at the last minute. it's highly contagious and there's no cure. i'm pretty sure i caught it at iwhs.
one more paper to go, man.

In today's news...

2010-05-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

... Lily further proved that all other 3 year old girls are inferior by singing along to Bob Marley's Three Little Birds.

... I woke up after a 13 hr deep sleep caused by staying up for more than 24 hours in order to complete a presentation, which I gave (and nailed) yesterday.

... i am four days away from completing my first year of grad school.

... and i'm still alive to tell the story.

The Man Who Made Me Love Literature

2010-01-28T11:07:00.000-08:00

From the AP:
NEW YORK - J.D. Salinger, the legendary author, youth hero and fugitive from fame whose "The Catcher in the Rye" shocked and inspired a world he increasingly shunned, has died. He was 91.

Salinger died of natural causes at his home on Wednesday, the author's son said in a statement from Salinger's literary representative. He had lived for decades in self-imposed isolation in the small, remote house in Cornish, N.H.

Immortal anti-hero
"The Catcher in the Rye," with its immortal teenage protagonist, the twisted, rebellious Holden Caulfield, came out in 1951, a time of anxious, Cold War conformity and the dawn of modern adolescence. The Book-of-the-Month Club, which made "Catcher" a featured selection, advised that for "anyone who has ever brought up a son" the novel will be "a source of wonder and delight — and concern."

Enraged by all the "phonies" who make "me so depressed I go crazy," Holden soon became American literature's most famous anti-hero since Huckleberry Finn. The novel's sales are astonishing — more than 60 million copies worldwide — and its impact incalculable. Decades after publication, the book remains a defining expression of that most American of dreams — to never grow up.

Salinger was writing for adults, but teenagers from all over identified with the novel's themes of alienation, innocence and fantasy, not to mention the luck of having the last word. "Catcher" presents the world as an ever-so-unfair struggle between the goodness of young people and the corruption of elders, a message that only intensified with the oncoming generation gap.

Novels from Evan Hunter's "The Blackboard Jungle" to Curtis Sittenfeld's "Prep," movies from "Rebel Without a Cause" to "The Breakfast Club," and countless rock 'n' roll songs echoed Salinger's message of kids under siege. One of the great anti-heroes of the 1960s, Benjamin Braddock of "The Graduate," was but a blander version of Salinger's narrator.

The cult of "Catcher" turned tragic in 1980 when crazed Beatles fan Mark David Chapman shot and killed John Lennon, citing Salinger's novel as an inspiration and stating that "this extraordinary book holds many answers."

By the 21st century, Holden himself seemed relatively mild, but Salinger's book remained a standard in school curriculums and was discussed on countless Web sites and a fan page on Facebook.

Other works
Salinger's other books don't equal the influence or sales of "Catcher," but they are still read, again and again, with great affection and intensity. Critics, at least briefly, rated Salinger as a more accomplished and daring short story writer than John Cheever.

The collection "Nine Stories" features the classic "A Perfect Day for Bananafish," the deadpan account of a suicidal Army veteran and the little girl he hopes, in vain, will save him. The novel "Franny and Zooey," like "Catcher," is a youthful, obsessively articulated quest for redemption, featuring a memorable argument between Zooey and his mother as he attempts to read in the bathtub.

"Catcher," narrated from a mental facility, begins with Holden recalling his expulsion from a Pennsylvania boarding school for failing four classes and for general apathy.

He returns home to Manhattan, where his wanderings take him everywhere from a Times Square hotel to a rainy carousel ride with his kid sister, Phoebe, in Central Park. He decides he wants to escape to a cabin out West, but scorns questions about his future as just so much phoniness.

"I mean how do you know what you're going to do till you do it?" he reasons. "The answer is, you don't. I think I am, but how do I know? I swear it's a stupid question."

"The Catcher in the Rye" became both required and restricted reading, periodically banned by a school board or challenged by parents worried by its frank language and the irresistible chip on Holden's shoulder.

"I'm aware that a number of my friends will be saddened, or shocked, or shocked-saddened, over some of the chapters of 'The Catcher in the Rye.' Some of my best friends are children. In fact, all of my best friends are children," Salinger wrote in 1955, in a short note for "20th Century Authors."

"It's almost unbearable to me to realize that my book will be kept on a shelf out of their reach," he added.

Salinger also wrote the novellas "Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters" and "Seymour — An Introduction," both featuring the neurotic, fictional Glass family which appeared in much of his work.

His last published story, "Hapworth 16, 1928," ran in The New Yorker in 1965. By then he was increasingly viewed like a precocious child whose manner had soured from cute to insufferable. "Salinger was the greatest mind ever to stay in prep school," Norman Mailer once commented.

In 1997, it was announced that "Hapworth" would be reissued as a book — prompting a (negative) New York Times review. The book, in typical Salinger style, didn't appear. In 1999, New Hampshire neighbor Jerry Burt said the author had told him years earlier that he had written at least 15 unpublished books kept locked in a safe at his home.

"I love to write and I assure you I write regularly," Salinger said in a brief interview with the Baton Rouge (La.) Advocate in 1980. "But I write for myself, for my own pleasure. And I want to be left alone to do it."

‘Ego of cast iron’
Jerome David Salinger was born Jan. 1, 1919, in New York City. His father was a wealthy importer of cheeses and meat and the family lived for years on Park Avenue.

Like Holden, Salinger was an indifferent student with a history of trouble in various schools. He was sent to Valley Forge Military Academy at age 15, where he wrote at night by flashlight beneath the covers and eventually earned his only diploma. In 1940, he published his first fiction, "The Young Folks," in Story magazine.

He served in the Army from 1942 to 1946, carrying a typewriter with him most of the time, writing "whenever I can find the time and an unoccupied foxhole," he told a friend.

Returning to New York, the lean, dark-haired Salinger pursued an intense study of Zen Buddhism but also cut a gregarious figure in the bars of Greenwich Village, where he astonished acquaintances with his proficiency in rounding up dates. One drinking buddy, author A.E. Hotchner, would remember Salinger as the proud owner of an "ego of cast iron," contemptuous of writers and writing schools, convinced that he was the best thing to happen to American letters since Herman Melville.

Praise and condemnation
Holden first appeared as a character in the story "Last Day of the Last Furlough," published in 1944 in the Saturday Evening Post. Salinger's stories ran in several magazines, especially The New Yorker, where excerpts from "Catcher" were published.

The finished novel quickly became a best seller and early reviews were blueprints for the praise and condemnation to come. The New York Times found the book "an unusually brilliant first novel" and observed that Holden's "delinquencies seem minor indeed when contrasted with the adult delinquencies with which he is confronted."

But the Christian Science Monitor was not charmed. "He is alive, human, preposterous, profane and pathetic beyond belief," critic T. Morris Longstreth wrote of Holden.

"Fortunately, there cannot be many of him yet. But one fears that a book like this given wide circulation may multiply his kind - as too easily happens when immortality and perversion are recounted by writers of talent whose work is countenanced in the name of art or good intention."

Seeking seclusion
The world had come calling for Salinger, but Salinger was bolting the door. By 1952, he had migrated to Cornish. Three years later, he married Claire Douglas, with whom he had two children, Peggy and Matthew, before their 1967 divorce. (Salinger was also briefly married in the 1940s to a woman named Sylvia; little else is known about her).

Meanwhile, he was refusing interviews, instructing his agent to forward no fan mail and reportedly spending much of his time writing in a cement bunker. Sanity, apparently, could only come through seclusion.

"I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes," Holden says in "Catcher."

"That way I wouldn't have to have any ... stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something, they'd have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. I'd build me a little cabin somewhere with the dough I made."

Although Salinger initially contemplated a theater production of "Catcher," with the author himself playing Holden, he turned down numerous offers for film or stage rights, including requests from Billy Wilder and Elia Kazan. Bids from Steven Spielberg and Harvey Weinstein also were rejected.

Salinger became famous for not wanting to be famous. In 1982, he sued a man who allegedly tried to sell a fictitious interview with the author to a national magazine. The impostor agreed to desist and Salinger dropped the suit.

Five years later, another Salinger legal action resulted in an important decision by the U.S. Supreme Court. The high court refused to allow publication of an unauthorized biography, by Ian Hamilton, that quoted from the author's unpublished letters. Salinger had copyrighted the letters when he learned about Hamilton's book, which came out in a revised edition in 1988.

In 2009, Salinger sued to halt publication of John David California's "60 Years Later," an unauthorized sequel to "Catcher" that imagined Holden in his 70s, misanthropic as ever.

The curtain parts
Against Salinger's will, the curtain was parted in recent years. In 1998, author Joyce Maynard published her memoir "At Home in the World," in which she detailed her eight-month affair with Salinger in the early 1970s, when she was less than half his age. She drew an unflattering picture of a controlling personality with eccentric eating habits, and described their problematic sex life.

Salinger's alleged adoration of children apparently did not extend to his own. In 2000, daughter Margaret Salinger's "Dreamcatcher" portrayed the writer as an unpleasant recluse who drank his own urine and spoke in tongues.

Ms. Salinger said she wrote the book because she was "absolutely determined not to repeat with my son what had been done with me."

I'm jealous.

2010-01-25T08:32:00.001-08:00

Found!

2010-01-16T08:16:00.000-08:00

The attractive ginger is a rare find. Here, however, I present TWO. Yes, 'twas a challenge, but I've done it!

In my opinion, the attractive ginger male is even more difficult to find than the attractive blonde male (of which there are only two, Matt Damon (sorta kinda blonde, right?) and Alexander Skarsgard (True Blood).

Is this pointless? Yes. However, I have no desire to talk about real life right now because, well, it sucks.

i'm copying you, frenchy, but this one made me happy.

2009-12-08T12:50:00.001-08:00

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): It seems to me that in 2009 you've learned to love the fact that all the world's a stage. You've found roles that have been fun to play, and you've expressed yourself with the nuanced zeal of a skilled actor in an elaborate theatrical production. I have very much enjoyed seeing you reveal the full range of your inner riches. If I were going to award Oscars to the astrological signs, you Libras would get the prize for "Best Performance of One's True Self."

WORD.

p.s. First semester of grad school complete. A fuck ton more to go.

Hello, stranger.

2009-11-09T13:10:00.001-08:00

Well, there are a few things I should be doing right now (revising my rough draft, making food, being lazy), but I wanted to stop in and give a brief update, which will hopefully turn into a much longer update once Tuesday has come and gone (Tuesday = another deadline).

It appears that I have settled into the life of a graduate student. While I was lonely and sad at first, I rather enjoy it now. It's hard; I'm always busy; I'm consistently stressed, but the satisfaction of accomplishing goals (short term and long term) makes the pain worth it. Yes, I kind of like this stress.

At this point, I do feel like I belong here. Of course, this changes constantly, but overall I know this is the best place for me. I'm even... dare I say it... kind of happy.

Plus, I saw Danzig last night.

So...

2009-09-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

I was walking home from school today totally beating myself up and in a pretty low mood when I got home and checked my email. This picture was waiting for me and completely changed my attitude:

Ezra is one cute little goober and I'd like to thank him for making me snap out of it.

sheer genius

2009-09-21T13:56:00.000-07:00

this two second scene was one of the coolest i've ever laid eyes on. sally draper, i'm sorry that i didn't love you as much as i should have from the beginning.

welcome to the soft parade

2009-09-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

this day began pretty badly. i'd been awake about twenty minutes and already wanted to crawl back into bed never to see the sun again! okay, i'm being dramatic, but i really did want to sleep the day away. but alas i have many a thing to do and i will not wallow in my menstrually motivated melodrama. i'm going to be happy and enjoy the fact that as of 1:45 PM I am no longer behind in my reading (because 1:45 marks the last discussion we will have about a book i failed to complete teehee) and, in fact, i have the opportunity to get ahead in some work.

you know, i'm also going to make a better effort to savor this time i have to myself (all day, that is). i'm going to show you, blog, more attention. i'm going to show myself more attention as well. i don't necessarily deserve it, but i certainly need it right now.

i need to put forth more effort in recognizing that this situation i am in shouldn't be so stressful. i've been given a gift (quite literally, as i am attending school for free and living off of more free money) and i should have fun with it, just like i would any other gift i've been given (with the exception of that gift card for a free massage that i have yet to cash in; i haven't really enjoyed that gift quite yet).

plus, i can get free therapy at the university health services. can't beat that, man. perhaps i'll get a therapist that can finally rid me of my codependent ways so that i might become so content with solitude that i take to walden to write my philosophies in the absolute silence of nature. this is hilarious if you know that i hate that book. now you do know that i hate that book... hilarious, right?

is there some point in life where you become mature and realize what you truly want in life? i currently feel like i'm regressing. or maybe it's actually maturing? cryptic cryptic cryptic.

one more thing.

2009-09-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

this is super cheesy of me, but I have to...

patrick swayze died yesterday and i was quite sad. i didn't have much of a childhood. i didn't spend a lot of time watching cartoons and playing with dolls; i wanted to grow up and hang out with my brothers, so I abandoned these things pretty early on in life. there were a couple of things that i held onto no matter how much my brothers teased me, though, and one of those was "dirty dancing." in fact, when i did play with barbies, they were forced to reenact scenes from the movie. dirty dancing is terribly cheesy and a bad, bad movie, but i loved it as a kid so it has a place in my wicked little heart. so much so that my brother jokingly texted me this morning asking how i was handling swayze's death.

johnny castle, if i still had my barbies i'd totally dedicate a final reenactment to you.

stay gold.

if i have time to blog...

2009-09-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

...i have time to read the 300 pages that await me in A Hazard of New Fortunes. I mean, really, where is all of my free time going? Answer: Facebook (don't ask), Mad Men (1 hr/wk), True Blood (2 hrs/wk), Savage Love (1 hr/wk), This American Life (1 hr/wk), making food (combined? eh 5 hrs/wk and that's generous), consuming food (5 hrs/wk again, generous), partying (generally takes place on Friday and Saturday from the hours of 8 or 9 PM until, oh, I'd say 3 am so... 10 hrs/wk... still not enough).

I don't watch much tv, honestly, but it seems that my nights just disappear. There really ISN'T enough time in the damned day. Reading is my life. I read and read and read and read and read... you get the point. And it isn't always fun stuff. It's not one exciting novel after another. It's literary theory. It's critiques. It's genre-related babbling. Oy fucking vey.

I honestly understand now why The University of Texas gives us money to attend school: BECAUSE ADDING ANYTHING ELSE TO YOUR SCHEDULE WOULD BE FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. Every minute I am not reading I feel guilty. I feel guilty for writing this blog! I need my party time, though. THEY MAY TAKE MY FREEDOM, BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE MY BEER! I'm pretty sure that's what Mel Gibson said in Braveheart.

Okay, I'm not really as sad as I'm pretending. I'm learning, yo. Yesterday I was a substitute TA for two discussion sections and had a classroom of 20somethings staring at me as though I was the source of all Early American literature knowledge. 'Twas brilliant! I could do this for life, stand up there and act like I know everything there is to know about Puritans and their writings. Hooray for American Literature!

I love to talk about those moments where I'm sitting in one of my grad school classes (again, that I'm paid to attend) and I float above the room, looking down on the six of us (professor included) as we try to resolve why James chose to describe Catherine as "soft" in Washington Square. Floating Yvette looks down at real Yvette and says "Who the fuck do you think you are? Look at you, you little pansy." Floating Yvette goes on mockingly, "'I'm Yvette, I'm a grad student, I think "soft" means marshmallows and pillows.' Get a real job, bitch." Floating Yvette quite obviously thinks real Yvette is a PHONY. Real Yvette is worried that floating Yvette is sometimes right.

That's right. I've reached internal struggle #1 in grad school and for once I'd like to say it out loud...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?

i'm still alive!

2009-08-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

yes, reader(s), i'm alive and kicking in austin, tx. however, i have not had the internet for quite some time and won't have it until tomorrow. yesterday was the first official day of graduate school and so far so good. more to come when i can actually be sure that my internet is reliable!

third day revisited/fourth/fifth day

2009-07-29T09:00:00.001-07:00

so it turned out that lunch with dago was a lot of time alone with him and his sons. it was pretty awesome. i didn't gush over him and tell him how much i loved his work, which actually required some effort on my part. we did, on the other hand, talk about how sad it is that after all these years and all these great chicano books, mango street is still the only representation most students get when it comes to mexican american literature. of course, this is a fine line to be walking when you're sitting there amidst sandra's closest friends (and in my case, you're her employee!), but it's not to say that i dislike the book -- i just wish other writers were acknowledged.

anyway, last night we went to eat at oloroso, which was a completely unique experience for me. the wine was great, along with the tomato salad, but apparently my palette isn't refined enough for "contemporary mediterranean cuisine" because i wasn't the biggest fan of the main course... or the dessert. anyway, it was a gorgeous atmosphere and a small group of people. i had the opportunity to meet marjorie agosin who took quite a liking to me because she said i looked "just like her daughter." very interesting. anyway, it was a time.

tonight is the first night of readings. until then, i shall be running around OLLU like a chicken with its head cut off.

third day

2009-07-27T09:46:00.000-07:00

now my room has flowers. yay me.
it's not even noon yet and i've already been up and at it like crazy. today, though, i'm having lunch with dagoberto gilb and i'm preeeetty excited. updates soon.

second day

2009-07-26T21:32:00.001-07:00

slight difference. meaning i'm fucking exhausted.

first day

2009-07-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

live from dorm #222, it's macondo week. today was the first day and i'm effin beat. only six more days to go!

fuck you, sleep.

2009-07-16T23:19:00.000-07:00

i don't need you.

god i can't remember the last time i fell asleep at a decent hour. i'm in pain.

lookie what i did

2009-07-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

i helped design this for the workshop and today it's done! 'twas a month in the making; i'm so proud.

one more before 3 am hits...

2009-07-15T00:49:00.000-07:00

there's this couple i know. and in one month (and one day), they will have been dating for two years.

that's right, readers, someone has managed to tolerate my incessant whining/nagging/awesomeness for two years. i like him a whole hell of a lot.

sleep is for the birds

2009-07-14T23:08:00.001-07:00

i have a mean case of insomnia these days. i also have a bum knee that's aching as i type.

since securing a place to live in austin, i spend a lot of time browsing websites for stuff to fill my new place, which eventually led me to etsy, which always leads me astray, which tonight led me to these gems, which i need (obviously):

and! and! and!

who is this person on etsy stealing that which makes me yvette and profiting? wait a second here... i think this means... no it can't... yes i'm quite certain... I'M NOT ALL THAT ORIGINAL (great, just when i found something a little happier to discuss (¿y que bonitas, no?) i lose track and start down another path of wah wah wahs)

back to the happiness

oh dear me, i just realized that the picasso earrings were placed upon a section of none other than Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. sweet relief, this person is not me! i would never, never place such a work of art on such a piece of shit, especially a piece of shit that one, kelly wiechart, forced me to read.

speaking of english teachers, there was once a particular idub teacher that i liked quite a bit. in fact, she was one of the first to actually pull me aside and encourage me to develop my writing. guess what she's doing now? she's fucking teaching yoga. yeah. she's a yoga instructor*. i'm dropping out of grad school. her opinion has officially been invalidated and with it some of the very foundation upon which i built this idea that i am somewhat talented has come crashing down at my feet.

i'm done with role models. 'cept my moms, pops, and bros. the rest of you... i don't need you anymore. all you do is disappoint (this means you, aliana!).

*this post is by no means meant as an attack on yoga instructors in general. i do not think yoga instructors are stupid or below my intelligence level. seriously. i swear it. believe me. pretend?

screw harry potter...

2009-07-14T17:05:00.000-07:00

THIS is what i've been waiting for.

woe-a-thon

2009-07-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

dear blog,

why are all of my old idub classmates vacationing in europe right now? what egregious error have i made against the gods such that i am not currently - nor have i ever been - vacationing in europe? i was amongst the poorer iwhs students; can i attribute their vacations to the fact that they have mummy (shout out to the brits) and daddy funding them?

this is why facebook blows some(most)times. i don't want to see twenty million albums filled with your vacation photos (particularly those of landscapes or famous architectural landmarks - unless you're in them/next to them and you've gotten a terrible haircut and/or gained 20lbs). yeah, yeah, i know i don't have to look, but you pollute my news feed for a week straight as you upload each new album and there's not much i can do about that.

wah

until next time, please enjoy some pics of me and my family on our last european vacation (reader says "huh?!")... yeah, we look a little different, but they're old...

you bitch

2009-07-09T20:32:00.001-07:00

well played, mary louise, well played.

photoshopped, right? please?

correction

2009-07-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

i'd like to retract most of what i said regarding woody allen. this is a little strange, but i bought the transcript from his interview with terry gross and read it the other day. i for about all the amazing things he said regarding his philosophy of life. it's pretty much exactly how i feel. An excerpt (it's long, but worth it):

GROSS: One day, Boris finds a teen-aged runaway named Melodie, played by Evan Rachel Wood, sitting in front of his Manhattan home, begging for some food. He reluctantly takes her in, she stays, and they eventually marry, in spite of the approximately 40-year age difference between them and in spite of the fact that Boris thinks she’s brainless.
At the start of the film, Boris states his philosophy of life, which is: Life is short, so take what little pleasure you can get in this chamber of horrors. It’s a philosophy expressed in several Woody Allen movies. Here’s Woody Allen at the beginning of “Annie Hall.”
(Soundbite of film, “Annie Hall”)

Mr. WOODY ALLEN (Filmmaker): (As Alvy Singer) There’s an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of them says boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says yeah, I know, and such small portions.
Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life, full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly.

GROSS: At least three of your films kind of start with the same premise. I’m wondering why has this question framed several of your movies, that life is hard, life is full of pain, but life is short, so do what you can to get some pleasure.

Mr. ALLEN: Well, this is hardly an original thought with me. I mean, down through the ages, all the important writers and all the important philosophers have, in one form or another, come to the conclusion, the obvious conclusion, that you know, life is a terrible trial and very harsh and very full of suffering, and so whatever you can do with the stipulation that you don’t hurt anybody without, you know, ruining a life here or there or causing any damage, there’s nothing wrong with it.

GROSS: So when we talk about making movies, does that give you pleasure? Like what’s the ratio of pleasure and pain in making a film?

Mr. ALLEN: Well you know, it’s a different kind of pain. See, making a movie is a great distraction from the real agonies of the world. It’s an overwhelmingly, you know, difficult thing to do.
You’ve got to deal with actors and temperaments and scripts and second acts and third acts and camera work and costumes and sets and editing and music, and you know, there’s enough in that to keep you distracted almost all the time. And if I’m locked into what would appear to be a painful situation because half my movie works, let’s say, and the whole second half of it doesn’t work, or a character in my movie is terrible, you don’t believe the love story or something, these are all problems that are, or generally are, solvable with reshooting, with editing, with thinking, diagnosing what’s wrong. And they distract you from the real problems of life, which are unsolvable and very painful problems.
Also in the problems of moviemaking, if you don’t solve your problem, all that happens to you is that your movie bombs. So the movie is terrible. So people don’t come to see it. Critics don’t like it. The public doesn’t like it. This is hardly a terrible punishment in life compared to what you’re given out in the real world of human existence.

GROSS: So, may I ask, what are some of the real problems that making movies distracts you from?

Mr. ALLEN: Well, they distract me from the same problems that you face or that anyone faces, you know, the uncertainty of life and inevitability of aging and death, and death of loved ones, and mass killings and starvations and holocausts, and not just the manmade carnage but the existential position that you’re in, you know, being in a world where you have no idea what’s going on, why you’re here or what possible meaning your life can have and the conclusion that you come to after a while, that there is really no meaning to it, and it’s just a random, meaningless event, and these are pretty depressing thoughts. And if you spend much time thinking about them, not only can’t you resolve them, but you sit frozen in your seat. You can’t even get up to have your lunch.
So it’s better to, you know, distract yourself, and people distract themselves creatively, you know, in the arts. They distract themselves in business or by following baseball teams and worrying over batting averages and who wins the pennant, and these are all things that you do and focus on rather than sit home and worry.

And that, my friends, sums up how I feel about life. It really does.

this.is.my.life.

2009-07-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

ANHEDONIA: an inability to experience pleasure from normally pleasurable life events such as eating, exercise, and social or sexual interaction.

well, minus the sexual interaction part.

you'll always be alvy to me.

2009-07-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

so i finally had the chance to listen to terry gross's interview with woody allen. it depressed me (i bet you're thinking "what doesn't depress you?") for two reasons:

1. he sounds so old now. granted, he's in his 70s, but it was still slightly shocking to hear him sound like an old grandpa.

2. he made it a point to go on and on about the fact that people think they know him because of his movies, but they really have no idea what he's actually like. he grew up in a nice neighborhood, was quite the athlete, and is not the intellectual everyone assumes he is. he failed out of college because he wasn't smart enough, not because he had too many better things to do.

truthfully, i don't think i like the real woody allen. nevermind the soon-yi business (i tend to look past such massive mistakes when it comes to celebrities), i'm not even taking that into consideration. he was just... i don't know... not what i expected (cliche, i know). i want this version of woody allen:

partially because he always made me feel better. you CAN be neurotic and crazy and cynical and depressive and funny and smart and entertaining all at once!

or not.

oh, you.

2009-06-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

"Though dreams can be deceiving, like faces are to hearts, they serve for sweet relieving when fantasy and reality lie too far apart."

hi, how are you?

2009-06-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

"what's going on here?" you're asking yourself, "things look different."

that's right, reader(s?), we're brightening things up around here.

fuck it, i changed the font colors a bit. i thought bright colors might project the idea that i'm HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY! however, i think my tone just crushed my aspirations.

okay, so here's my asshole comment/thought of the day: what the hell is up with every young chick going off and becoming a teacher? i swear, the demographics of IWHS c/o 2003 go a little something like this:

so obviously i am in the badass category, but that's besides the point. is teacher the new default job? come on, you can't tell me all of those chicks i went to school with were like "one day, i want to TEACH! i LOVE KIDS!" because that's what i was actually saying and here i am NOT teaching.

what's my point?

i don't think i have one. i just hate chicks who run out and become teachers because i remember you in high school and i wouldn't want you teaching my kids (this means you, sarah king).

here's where i vow to never have kids. and where i confirm that satan and i spoke and my seat in hell actually sounds rather cozy.

oy vey

2009-06-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

i am now the proud lessee of a condo (that's right, bitch, condo) in West Campus. Okay, okay, condo sounds fancy pants but the outside is pretty crappy. inside, though, it's very nice. i can see it being the cozy place i've always desired, nothing like the craptastic Riverside apartment. i even sorta kinda feel like an adult (even though i need to borrow money from my mother but it will be repaid the moment i receive the first installment of my fellowship money).

i've been feeling like shit since yesterday. i didn't make it to yoga because i could barely stay awake long enough to finish eating my frosted mini wheats. luckily, work is fantastic and even when you don't feel well you don't particularly mind being there.

in other news, god still hates me.

this just in...

2009-06-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

- i bought new glasses AND some contacts. i can see ALL THE TIME NOW! what a concept.

- i have two appointments on saturday to check out a couple of apartments. both are pretty awesome; however, both might be gone by saturday.

- i did yoga for the first time on monday and i genuinely enjoyed it. did i mention it was staff yoga on sandra's terrace? silly me, i'm so forgetful (i know, i know, BRAGATHON).

- i've been thoroughly depressed lately and completely avoiding you, blog, because i shouldn't fill you with my wah wahs.

- on a brighter note, my job is amazing. absolutely. amazing.

it's been a day, man.

my new life.

2009-06-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

y que?

2009-06-10T16:51:00.000-07:00

step 2 in becoming the yvette i want to be.

2009-05-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

so, guess what i did today...

I QUIT MY JOB, BITCH!

that's right, as of June 5, 2009 i join the (willingly) unemployed. i's gonna be poor very, very soon.

but at least i'll be free.

a prayer.

2009-05-19T20:23:00.001-07:00

dear god,
please let me look this hot when i'm in my 40s:

amen.

what i'm reading these days.

2009-05-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

So, after finishing Paint It Black by Janet Fitch I was in desperate need of a light read. I made the mistake of choosing this crap:

for the love of god, next time you hear me mention something about wanting to read a book by bret easton ellis, remind me of this moment. this is the second or third book i've read by him and MY GOD it was terrible. "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..." and so it went for a couple hundred pages. i know, it was so obviously a stupid choice. i'm just all about getting in some crap books before it's time to focus on the serious shit again. in fact, that was something one of the older grad students suggested we do before starting the program. so, it's time to move on and i've chosen Franzen's novel:

i attempted it a while back but was just coming off of the first rabbit novel and wasn't ready for another serious read. i'm ready, though, after that piece of shit ellis book. dammit.

a warning, though. i once again listened to terry gross's interview with russell brand, and i'm about a hair away from ordering his book(y wook). JUDGE AWAY...

a new dawn, a new day, a new life

2009-05-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

well, it was a whirlwind of a weekend in austin. initially, we had quite a busy schedule for saturday but all was ruined due to the rain. i wasn't terribly disappointed, though. i had the opportunity to sleep in and be a bum with anthony, which was all i really wanted anyway.

i guess i skipped friday. i drove in and anthony and i headed to dinner. eventually anthony, scott, julie and i went to the hideout and drank. of course, my hormones are a mess right now and as soon as i became slightly intoxicated i slipped into this other world and had little to say. i think most of what came out of my mouth was rude or sarcastic. i'm telling you, it's been rough this past week. i'm pretty much desperate for some other option. i can't continue living half of my life in this sad little world.

in addition to a new form of birth control, i am set on getting some sort of physical activity into my schedule. i don't do anything worthwhile when i get home, so it's about time i make an effort to get the endorphins running through my body once again. it's the simplest answer to my problems. in addition, i need to focus on making sure my iron is up and i'm getting enough food in general (GOOD food, HEALTHY food). if i don't make this effort then i obviously don't really give a shit about feeling better, right?

for the first time i feel like i really threw it out there with anthony. i went in depth with how i feel during this time and how it's basically this monster that takes complete control of my mind. it sounds bizarre because, let's be real, it's pms we're talking about here (okay, PMDD is different, but it's hormonal nonetheless). anthony being anthony, he was absolutely patient and understanding. and that makes me not only relieved, but that much more eager to find a solution of sorts before this all takes a truly damaging toll on my relationship.

what it boils down to is that i can't go on like this. i can't continue life like this. in two and a half months i'm back in austin, back in school, and i'll never succeed if i can't get my head together. and it starts today.

2009-05-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

"and it's just no fun when you hate the person that you've become: bitter, lonely, and isolated. before i know it, i'll be an old maid."

stolen...

2009-05-12T19:27:00.001-07:00

thanks frenchy.

nothing interesting, really.

2009-05-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

yes, i'm still alive. things have been steady and i haven't been a bundle of anxiety so you haven't heard much from me. well, there was the trypophobia thing, but i'm trying to get past that right now. so much so that i'm not even going to google and link you to some sites that might explain what that is. do it yourself!

work has become painful and barely tolerable. as of today, shannan is now in my office. it's refreshing after the loss of ernesto to a better paying job. he came by the other day to pick up his mileage check and sat in his old desk for a short while. it was like old times and it made me realize how boring the office has been since ernesto left. i can't handle going hours without talking to someone, which was what was happening with just carmen and me in here (trust me, i tried to work on that... not happening). anyway, now shannan is in here and i'm not nearly as lonely as i was.

'twas a good mother's day weekend and mom seemed to really enjoy herself, which is all i really care about.

rewind

2009-05-01T09:23:00.001-07:00

all right, let's discuss last week:

1. olivia and bill offered me a position working for sandra's foundation (soon to be renamed Mango Street). I am supposed to find out in the next few weeks if everything has gone through as discussed. it'll be preparing for the workshop and taking care of daily business. the "office" is in the king william area, right across the street from sandra's house. cross your fingers for me.

2. went camping on saturday at lake bastrop with anthony, joel, allison, brandon, and ross. it was a good time! seriously, i came back genuinely refreshed. i needed to get away even if it were for only the weekend.

3. officially putting it out there: allison and i no longer hate each other. yes, it's true, i have one less enemy in this world and i feel pretty good about it. obviously we aren't instant best friends, but the fact that we could be decent with each other and hold a conversation made for an even more pleasant camping experience.

it turned out to be a really nice weekend, especially considering what a rough week i had endured. the optimism i came home with, however, did not linger. i've been my grumpy, tired, and depressed self most of this week. ah! with the exception of tuesday night when i was able to go to the game with anthony and joel. 'twas a good time, indeed.

a calculated move.

2009-05-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

I was a sophomore at UT when my badass of an american lit professor, brian bremen, made us read twain's huckleberry finn. i hated the book, not because of the use of the n word, but because it really didn't interest me. anyway, it was the n word that dominated so many conversations in the time we spent discussing the book. and it was dr. bremen who made the entire class watch this scene from a richard pryor performance. first, bremen showed us a million different clips before pryor's trip to africa in which pryor dropped the n word like it was nothing, again and again and again. at first, it was hard to see where bremen was going with the whole lesson. it seemed more of a "black people are the only ones who can use it" sort of thing. and then we watched this scene.

don't get me wrong. i do think it's different when a black person uses the word. i just appreciated what pryor had to say, sentimental as it may seem.

i have always taken issue with people using it. i hate it. i don't use it, and, as a minority, the use of it by someone else makes me want to scream. of course there's always been that justification of, "well, black people themselves use it," to which i stick my fingers in my ears (very maturely, of course) and say "la la la la la" because such an argument does not register with me. no, i'm not black, but the word offends me just the same. i can feel my face flush with anger and embarrassment just as it would if someone had said "wetback." and i honestly feel that the older i get, the more it bothers me.

yeah, there's not much i can do right now. i've witnessed first hand how easily i can be shrugged off as some dumb little mexican who has perhaps wandered a little too far from her pueblo. don't count me out, though. i'll be back.

meh

2009-04-23T08:10:00.000-07:00

i went to NIOSA last night and it was quite a lovely time. sonia had a hook up and we managed to get free drinks the entire night. of course, as a result i am now hungover and tired. i wasn't drunk, but i did have a decent buzz going. those damn beers are so small, seriously. it's like a shot of beer for $4. when they're free, though, i don't give a damn.

i've ignored you most of the week because i've been in such a shitty mood. i'm lonely, dear blog, and you've done nothing to make it better. why is this? what have i done to you?

so anyway i bought this dress yesterday and wore it to NIOSA:

i was convinced i was going to see lots of other chicks wearing it but i was wrong. just me, which might be a bad thing. meh, can't say i care. for once i was completely comfortable at a fiesta event and yes, i wore flip flops and no, i did not get my feet trampled on. not even once.

i am aware that everything i am talking about is completely pointless but it's all i've got. i'm telling you, i've been in a terrible mood.

2009-04-21T12:16:00.000-07:00

i stole this from someone's album on facebook...

cute.

kiss off

2009-04-20T13:46:00.000-07:00

i've sat down to write a new post a couple of times. the result was either me staring off into space and producing nothing, or me typing a line or two (including some long and ridiculous html code) and erasing it all once i decided i didn't like the direction i was headed. i think i'm ready this time.

i randomly saw my sophomore year theology teacher, ms. baez, at joven today. she was apparently showing a woman from india around; the indian woman is interested in starting a program like ours in india. 'ol baez was acting strangely, which was kind of a disappointment because i actually liked her back in the idub days. she didn't allow me the chance to tell her that i thought she was awesome for letting me question the catholic church and put on crazy prayer services (which were required as part of our grade). that was a rough year for me and she actually stands out as a decent teacher.

hey so as i'm writing this, baez just walked by again. what's up with teachers not giving a shit about past students? i'd be thrilled if one of mine actually recognized me. you were a teacher, you're supposed to care. okay, i'm being idealistic, i know. just sayin...

oyster bake was okay. i don't think i'll be going back for quite some time. it's time to try a new fiesta event. i drank, got a headache, drank more, felt dehydrated, ate, ate, ate, rehydrated with some pineapple agua fresca.

i'm in a real mood tonight. i pretty much think everyone sucks. i'm back on the muscle relaxers because my jaw hasn't gone back to normal. i'm pmsing and it's pretty bad this time around (FUCK YOU YAZ). let's face it, i'm full of complaints. i can keep them coming if you just lend me your ear a while longer. no? fair enough.

year four

2009-04-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

a new day

2009-04-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

what a trip...

it's adorable, but her eyes really weird me out.

so i'm back to normal(ish). i feel much better than i did yesterday; you might even say i'm feeling optimistic. just so you know.

ode on a blog.

2009-04-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

fuck, blog.

i'm depressed. believe it or not, this time i can't blame it on pms.

make me better.

because i know you've always wondered:

2009-04-13T15:09:00.001-07:00

The Second Coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

-- William Butler Yeats

i'm so productive at work

2009-04-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

i have for you a list of things that are going on in my life that i would like to talk about. they are in no particular order and not all are (very) important. however, this is my blog and i can (and do) write about the most mundane occurrences. so you hush with your "this is boring" and "who gives a rat's ass?" someone out there cares... someone...

1.
tomorrow is anthony's birthday and i am headed to austin for the evening. i'm excited and looking forward to some fine dining and the likes. i am again contemplating the idea of driving back early in the morning, but last time was so rough. however, that may have been due to the fact that i drank enough beer to leave me hungover, which reminds me...

2.

last tuesday we saw ratatat at stubbs; it was amazing. we got there a little early and were able to secure a spot that allowed me a clear view of the stage. i think anthony and i were both unsure of what to expect, but ratatat did not fail us. the music alone is great, but when combined with the visuals it became hypnotic. seriously, there were a couple of points where it was hard to snap out of the trance the whole thing was putting me in. beer also contributed to the entrancement, but let's not deal with the specifics.

3.
it appears that YAZ and i have already met our demise. i was aware of the potential for an increase of potassium levels in your blood, but i didn't really think i had to worry about something like that. well, given my history of kidney stones and my love of NSAIDs (shout out to ibuprofein), my potassium is on the rise. i've gotten in touch with the doctor's office and i should be getting a new prescription soon. i'm sad, though. i was really hoping that YAZ would be my miracle pill. that's what i get for trusting science. i should have offered this up to god, put it in his hands through my prayers. HA! i kill me.

4.
my dad learned how to text. he was the last of the clan to still use his cell phone for such archaic uses as placing a phone call. today i received my first text from my father. i was beaming like a proud parent. 2009 welcomes you with open arms, dad.

5.
per the forfeited scrabble incident:
i was, at one time, a fan of the drunk dial. in my earlier drinking days i had a tendency to drink large amounts of alcohol, call a friend or two, and attempt to engage in awesome, intelligent conversation. at some point, however, i moved on from this. in fact, i scoffed at those who still made this egregious error (to include drunk texting, emailing, myspacing, and so on). it seems, though, that recently i have taken to drunk facebooking. i blame the fact that my phone has a facebook application. i also blame anthony for having a computer that is always on and always tempting me. i'm not looking to stop such behavior quite yet because it's one of the only times i update that shit or post my status or leave a comment (one of the most intelligent thus far: "gaaaaay." i'm a charmer). i am not proud of my behavior, but you have been warned...

6.
wednesday is ernesto's last day and i'm sad. please, lord, send me another cool office companion (oh god is so not going to listen to me after my remark in #3. stupid, yvette, very stupid).

thank you and good day.

the day after easter...

2009-04-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

sixteen minutes now since easter ended and i'm feeling like shit. according to my nurse practitioner of a stepmother, because i failed to undergo a proper course of treatment for my allergies i must now deal with the added bonus of a sinus infection. i get these things every year; in fact, once i swear i had one that lasted for a few months. of course, that was mainly due to the fact that i am stubborn and did not finish the antibiotics as prescribed. this particular sinus infection seems to be kicking my ass a little more than usual, though.

on the bright side, easter was nice, as was the rest of the weekend. my mother continues to spoil all of us rotten and still puts together baskets for all of us. this year was a milestone in that it was the first time she actually prepared a basket for me and my significant other to share. yes, i am no longer the selfish little yvette of yesteryear; i was delighted to share with anthony (so long as he didn't take the candy i wanted -- baby steps).

ah but this was earlier. now i lay in bed propped up on a pillow feeling sick and lonely.

august... august... august... august... august...

in honor of the sleep i did not get last night.

2009-04-07T08:21:00.000-07:00

Variations on the Word "Sleep"

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

-- Margaret Atwood