step 2 in becoming the yvette i want to be.

so, guess what i did today...

I QUIT MY JOB, BITCH!

that's right, as of June 5, 2009 i join the (willingly) unemployed. i's gonna be poor very, very soon.

but at least i'll be free.

a prayer.

dear god,
please let me look this hot when i'm in my 40s:

amen.

what i'm reading these days.

So, after finishing Paint It Black by Janet Fitch I was in desperate need of a light read. I made the mistake of choosing this crap:

for the love of god, next time you hear me mention something about wanting to read a book by bret easton ellis, remind me of this moment. this is the second or third book i've read by him and MY GOD it was terrible. "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..." and so it went for a couple hundred pages. i know, it was so obviously a stupid choice. i'm just all about getting in some crap books before it's time to focus on the serious shit again. in fact, that was something one of the older grad students suggested we do before starting the program. so, it's time to move on and i've chosen Franzen's novel:

i attempted it a while back but was just coming off of the first rabbit novel and wasn't ready for another serious read. i'm ready, though, after that piece of shit ellis book. dammit.

a warning, though. i once again listened to terry gross's interview with russell brand, and i'm about a hair away from ordering his book(y wook). JUDGE AWAY...

a new dawn, a new day, a new life

well, it was a whirlwind of a weekend in austin. initially, we had quite a busy schedule for saturday but all was ruined due to the rain. i wasn't terribly disappointed, though. i had the opportunity to sleep in and be a bum with anthony, which was all i really wanted anyway.

i guess i skipped friday. i drove in and anthony and i headed to dinner. eventually anthony, scott, julie and i went to the hideout and drank. of course, my hormones are a mess right now and as soon as i became slightly intoxicated i slipped into this other world and had little to say. i think most of what came out of my mouth was rude or sarcastic. i'm telling you, it's been rough this past week. i'm pretty much desperate for some other option. i can't continue living half of my life in this sad little world.

in addition to a new form of birth control, i am set on getting some sort of physical activity into my schedule. i don't do anything worthwhile when i get home, so it's about time i make an effort to get the endorphins running through my body once again. it's the simplest answer to my problems. in addition, i need to focus on making sure my iron is up and i'm getting enough food in general (GOOD food, HEALTHY food). if i don't make this effort then i obviously don't really give a shit about feeling better, right?

for the first time i feel like i really threw it out there with anthony. i went in depth with how i feel during this time and how it's basically this monster that takes complete control of my mind. it sounds bizarre because, let's be real, it's pms we're talking about here (okay, PMDD is different, but it's hormonal nonetheless). anthony being anthony, he was absolutely patient and understanding. and that makes me not only relieved, but that much more eager to find a solution of sorts before this all takes a truly damaging toll on my relationship.

what it boils down to is that i can't go on like this. i can't continue life like this. in two and a half months i'm back in austin, back in school, and i'll never succeed if i can't get my head together. and it starts today.

"and it's just no fun when you hate the person that you've become: bitter, lonely, and isolated. before i know it, i'll be an old maid."

stolen...

thanks frenchy.

nothing interesting, really.

yes, i'm still alive. things have been steady and i haven't been a bundle of anxiety so you haven't heard much from me. well, there was the trypophobia thing, but i'm trying to get past that right now. so much so that i'm not even going to google and link you to some sites that might explain what that is. do it yourself!

work has become painful and barely tolerable. as of today, shannan is now in my office. it's refreshing after the loss of ernesto to a better paying job. he came by the other day to pick up his mileage check and sat in his old desk for a short while. it was like old times and it made me realize how boring the office has been since ernesto left. i can't handle going hours without talking to someone, which was what was happening with just carmen and me in here (trust me, i tried to work on that... not happening). anyway, now shannan is in here and i'm not nearly as lonely as i was.

'twas a good mother's day weekend and mom seemed to really enjoy herself, which is all i really care about.  

rewind

all right, let's discuss last week:

1. olivia and bill offered me a position working for sandra's foundation (soon to be renamed Mango Street). I am supposed to find out in the next few weeks if everything has gone through as discussed. it'll be preparing for the workshop and taking care of daily business. the "office" is in the king william area, right across the street from sandra's house. cross your fingers for me.

2. went camping on saturday at lake bastrop with anthony, joel, allison, brandon, and ross. it was a good time! seriously, i came back genuinely refreshed. i needed to get away even if it were for only the weekend.

3. officially putting it out there: allison and i no longer hate each other. yes, it's true, i have one less enemy in this world and i feel pretty good about it. obviously we aren't instant best friends, but the fact that we could be decent with each other and hold a conversation made for an even more pleasant camping experience.

it turned out to be a really nice weekend, especially considering what a rough week i had endured. the optimism i came home with, however, did not linger. i've been my grumpy, tired, and depressed self most of this week. ah! with the exception of tuesday night when i was able to go to the game with anthony and joel. 'twas a good time, indeed.

a calculated move.

I was a sophomore at UT when my badass of an american lit professor, brian bremen, made us read twain's huckleberry finn. i hated the book, not because of the use of the n word, but because it really didn't interest me. anyway, it was the n word that dominated so many conversations in the time we spent discussing the book. and it was dr. bremen who made the entire class watch this scene from a richard pryor performance. first, bremen showed us a million different clips before pryor's trip to africa in which pryor dropped the n word like it was nothing, again and again and again. at first, it was hard to see where bremen was going with the whole lesson. it seemed more of a "black people are the only ones who can use it" sort of thing. and then we watched this scene.

don't get me wrong. i do think it's different when a black person uses the word. i just appreciated what pryor had to say, sentimental as it may seem.

i have always taken issue with people using it. i hate it. i don't use it, and, as a minority, the use of it by someone else makes me want to scream. of course there's always been that justification of, "well, black people themselves use it," to which i stick my fingers in my ears (very maturely, of course) and say "la la la la la" because such an argument does not register with me. no, i'm not black, but the word offends me just the same. i can feel my face flush with anger and embarrassment just as it would if someone had said "wetback." and i honestly feel that the older i get, the more it bothers me.

yeah, there's not much i can do right now. i've witnessed first hand how easily i can be shrugged off as some dumb little mexican who has perhaps wandered a little too far from her pueblo. don't count me out, though. i'll be back.