i'm copying you, frenchy, but this one made me happy.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): It seems to me that in 2009 you've learned to love the fact that all the world's a stage. You've found roles that have been fun to play, and you've expressed yourself with the nuanced zeal of a skilled actor in an elaborate theatrical production. I have very much enjoyed seeing you reveal the full range of your inner riches. If I were going to award Oscars to the astrological signs, you Libras would get the prize for "Best Performance of One's True Self."


WORD.

p.s. First semester of grad school complete. A fuck ton more to go.

Hello, stranger.

Well, there are a few things I should be doing right now (revising my rough draft, making food, being lazy), but I wanted to stop in and give a brief update, which will hopefully turn into a much longer update once Tuesday has come and gone (Tuesday = another deadline).

It appears that I have settled into the life of a graduate student. While I was lonely and sad at first, I rather enjoy it now. It's hard; I'm always busy; I'm consistently stressed, but the satisfaction of accomplishing goals (short term and long term) makes the pain worth it. Yes, I kind of like this stress.

At this point, I do feel like I belong here. Of course, this changes constantly, but overall I know this is the best place for me. I'm even... dare I say it... kind of happy.

Plus, I saw Danzig last night.

So...

I was walking home from school today totally beating myself up and in a pretty low mood when I got home and checked my email. This picture was waiting for me and completely changed my attitude:


Ezra is one cute little goober and I'd like to thank him for making me snap out of it.

sheer genius

this two second scene was one of the coolest i've ever laid eyes on. sally draper, i'm sorry that i didn't love you as much as i should have from the beginning.

welcome to the soft parade

this day began pretty badly. i'd been awake about twenty minutes and already wanted to crawl back into bed never to see the sun again! okay, i'm being dramatic, but i really did want to sleep the day away. but alas i have many a thing to do and i will not wallow in my menstrually motivated melodrama. i'm going to be happy and enjoy the fact that as of 1:45 PM I am no longer behind in my reading (because 1:45 marks the last discussion we will have about a book i failed to complete teehee) and, in fact, i have the opportunity to get ahead in some work.

you know, i'm also going to make a better effort to savor this time i have to myself (all day, that is). i'm going to show you, blog, more attention. i'm going to show myself more attention as well. i don't necessarily deserve it, but i certainly need it right now.

i need to put forth more effort in recognizing that this situation i am in shouldn't be so stressful. i've been given a gift (quite literally, as i am attending school for free and living off of more free money) and i should have fun with it, just like i would any other gift i've been given (with the exception of that gift card for a free massage that i have yet to cash in; i haven't really enjoyed that gift quite yet).

plus, i can get free therapy at the university health services. can't beat that, man. perhaps i'll get a therapist that can finally rid me of my codependent ways so that i might become so content with solitude that i take to walden to write my philosophies in the absolute silence of nature. this is hilarious if you know that i hate that book. now you do know that i hate that book... hilarious, right?

is there some point in life where you become mature and realize what you truly want in life? i currently feel like i'm regressing. or maybe it's actually maturing? cryptic cryptic cryptic.

one more thing.

this is super cheesy of me, but I have to...

patrick swayze died yesterday and i was quite sad. i didn't have much of a childhood. i didn't spend a lot of time watching cartoons and playing with dolls; i wanted to grow up and hang out with my brothers, so I abandoned these things pretty early on in life. there were a couple of things that i held onto no matter how much my brothers teased me, though, and one of those was "dirty dancing." in fact, when i did play with barbies, they were forced to reenact scenes from the movie. dirty dancing is terribly cheesy and a bad, bad movie, but i loved it as a kid so it has a place in my wicked little heart. so much so that my brother jokingly texted me this morning asking how i was handling swayze's death.

johnny castle, if i still had my barbies i'd totally dedicate a final reenactment to you.

stay gold.

if i have time to blog...

...i have time to read the 300 pages that await me in A Hazard of New Fortunes. I mean, really, where is all of my free time going? Answer: Facebook (don't ask), Mad Men (1 hr/wk), True Blood (2 hrs/wk), Savage Love (1 hr/wk), This American Life (1 hr/wk), making food (combined? eh 5 hrs/wk and that's generous), consuming food (5 hrs/wk again, generous), partying (generally takes place on Friday and Saturday from the hours of 8 or 9 PM until, oh, I'd say 3 am so... 10 hrs/wk... still not enough).

I don't watch much tv, honestly, but it seems that my nights just disappear. There really ISN'T enough time in the damned day. Reading is my life. I read and read and read and read and read... you get the point. And it isn't always fun stuff. It's not one exciting novel after another. It's literary theory. It's critiques. It's genre-related babbling. Oy fucking vey.

I honestly understand now why The University of Texas gives us money to attend school: BECAUSE ADDING ANYTHING ELSE TO YOUR SCHEDULE WOULD BE FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. Every minute I am not reading I feel guilty. I feel guilty for writing this blog! I need my party time, though. THEY MAY TAKE MY FREEDOM, BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE MY BEER! I'm pretty sure that's what Mel Gibson said in Braveheart.

Okay, I'm not really as sad as I'm pretending. I'm learning, yo. Yesterday I was a substitute TA for two discussion sections and had a classroom of 20somethings staring at me as though I was the source of all Early American literature knowledge. 'Twas brilliant! I could do this for life, stand up there and act like I know everything there is to know about Puritans and their writings. Hooray for American Literature!

I love to talk about those moments where I'm sitting in one of my grad school classes (again, that I'm paid to attend) and I float above the room, looking down on the six of us (professor included) as we try to resolve why James chose to describe Catherine as "soft" in Washington Square. Floating Yvette looks down at real Yvette and says "Who the fuck do you think you are? Look at you, you little pansy." Floating Yvette goes on mockingly, "'I'm Yvette, I'm a grad student, I think "soft" means marshmallows and pillows.' Get a real job, bitch." Floating Yvette quite obviously thinks real Yvette is a PHONY. Real Yvette is worried that floating Yvette is sometimes right.

That's right. I've reached internal struggle #1 in grad school and for once I'd like to say it out loud...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?

i'm still alive!

yes, reader(s), i'm alive and kicking in austin, tx. however, i have not had the internet for quite some time and won't have it until tomorrow. yesterday was the first official day of graduate school and so far so good. more to come when i can actually be sure that my internet is reliable!

third day revisited/fourth/fifth day

so it turned out that lunch with dago was a lot of time alone with him and his sons. it was pretty awesome. i didn't gush over him and tell him how much i loved his work, which actually required some effort on my part. we did, on the other hand, talk about how sad it is that after all these years and all these great chicano books, mango street is still the only representation most students get when it comes to mexican american literature. of course, this is a fine line to be walking when you're sitting there amidst sandra's closest friends (and in my case, you're her employee!), but it's not to say that i dislike the book -- i just wish other writers were acknowledged.

anyway, last night we went to eat at oloroso, which was a completely unique experience for me. the wine was great, along with the tomato salad, but apparently my palette isn't refined enough for "contemporary mediterranean cuisine" because i wasn't the biggest fan of the main course... or the dessert. anyway, it was a gorgeous atmosphere and a small group of people. i had the opportunity to meet marjorie agosin who took quite a liking to me because she said i looked "just like her daughter." very interesting. anyway, it was a time.

tonight is the first night of readings. until then, i shall be running around OLLU like a chicken with its head cut off.

third day

now my room has flowers. yay me.
it's not even noon yet and i've already been up and at it like crazy. today, though, i'm having lunch with dagoberto gilb and i'm preeeetty excited. updates soon.

second day

slight difference. meaning i'm fucking exhausted.

first day

live from dorm #222, it's macondo week. today was the first day and i'm effin beat. only six more days to go!

fuck you, sleep.

i don't need you.

god i can't remember the last time i fell asleep at a decent hour. i'm in pain.

lookie what i did

i helped design this for the workshop and today it's done! 'twas a month in the making; i'm so proud.

one more before 3 am hits...

there's this couple i know. and in one month (and one day), they will have been dating for two years.

that's right, readers, someone has managed to tolerate my incessant whining/nagging/awesomeness for two years. i like him a whole hell of a lot.

sleep is for the birds

i have a mean case of insomnia these days. i also have a bum knee that's aching as i type.

since securing a place to live in austin, i spend a lot of time browsing websites for stuff to fill my new place, which eventually led me to etsy, which always leads me astray, which tonight led me to these gems, which i need (obviously):


and! and! and!


who is this person on etsy stealing that which makes me yvette and profiting? wait a second here... i think this means... no it can't... yes i'm quite certain... I'M NOT ALL THAT ORIGINAL (great, just when i found something a little happier to discuss (¿y que bonitas, no?) i lose track and start down another path of wah wah wahs)

back to the happiness

oh dear me, i just realized that the picasso earrings were placed upon a section of none other than Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. sweet relief, this person is not me! i would never, never place such a work of art on such a piece of shit, especially a piece of shit that one, kelly wiechart, forced me to read.

speaking of english teachers, there was once a particular idub teacher that i liked quite a bit. in fact, she was one of the first to actually pull me aside and encourage me to develop my writing. guess what she's doing now? she's fucking teaching yoga. yeah. she's a yoga instructor*. i'm dropping out of grad school. her opinion has officially been invalidated and with it some of the very foundation upon which i built this idea that i am somewhat talented has come crashing down at my feet.

i'm done with role models. 'cept my moms, pops, and bros. the rest of you... i don't need you anymore. all you do is disappoint (this means you, aliana!).

*this post is by no means meant as an attack on yoga instructors in general. i do not think yoga instructors are stupid or below my intelligence level. seriously. i swear it. believe me. pretend?

screw harry potter...

THIS is what i've been waiting for.

woe-a-thon

dear blog,

why are all of my old idub classmates vacationing in europe right now? what egregious error have i made against the gods such that i am not currently - nor have i ever been - vacationing in europe? i was amongst the poorer iwhs students; can i attribute their vacations to the fact that they have mummy (shout out to the brits) and daddy funding them?

this is why facebook blows some(most)times. i don't want to see twenty million albums filled with your vacation photos (particularly those of landscapes or famous architectural landmarks - unless you're in them/next to them and you've gotten a terrible haircut and/or gained 20lbs). yeah, yeah, i know i don't have to look, but you pollute my news feed for a week straight as you upload each new album and there's not much i can do about that.

wah

until next time, please enjoy some pics of me and my family on our last european vacation (reader says "huh?!")... yeah, we look a little different, but they're old...

you bitch

well played, mary louise, well played.

photoshopped, right? please?

correction

i'd like to retract most of what i said regarding woody allen. this is a little strange, but i bought the transcript from his interview with terry gross and read it the other day. i for about all the amazing things he said regarding his philosophy of life. it's pretty much exactly how i feel. An excerpt (it's long, but worth it):

GROSS: One day, Boris finds a teen-aged runaway named Melodie, played by Evan Rachel Wood, sitting in front of his Manhattan home, begging for some food. He reluctantly takes her in, she stays, and they eventually marry, in spite of the approximately 40-year age difference between them and in spite of the fact that Boris thinks she’s brainless.
At the start of the film, Boris states his philosophy of life, which is: Life is short, so take what little pleasure you can get in this chamber of horrors. It’s a philosophy expressed in several Woody Allen movies. Here’s Woody Allen at the beginning of “Annie Hall.”
(Soundbite of film, “Annie Hall”)

Mr. WOODY ALLEN (Filmmaker): (As Alvy Singer) There’s an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of them says boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says yeah, I know, and such small portions.
Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life, full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly.

GROSS: At least three of your films kind of start with the same premise. I’m wondering why has this question framed several of your movies, that life is hard, life is full of pain, but life is short, so do what you can to get some pleasure.

Mr. ALLEN: Well, this is hardly an original thought with me. I mean, down through the ages, all the important writers and all the important philosophers have, in one form or another, come to the conclusion, the obvious conclusion, that you know, life is a terrible trial and very harsh and very full of suffering, and so whatever you can do with the stipulation that you don’t hurt anybody without, you know, ruining a life here or there or causing any damage, there’s nothing wrong with it.

GROSS: So when we talk about making movies, does that give you pleasure? Like what’s the ratio of pleasure and pain in making a film?

Mr. ALLEN: Well you know, it’s a different kind of pain. See, making a movie is a great distraction from the real agonies of the world. It’s an overwhelmingly, you know, difficult thing to do.
You’ve got to deal with actors and temperaments and scripts and second acts and third acts and camera work and costumes and sets and editing and music, and you know, there’s enough in that to keep you distracted almost all the time. And if I’m locked into what would appear to be a painful situation because half my movie works, let’s say, and the whole second half of it doesn’t work, or a character in my movie is terrible, you don’t believe the love story or something, these are all problems that are, or generally are, solvable with reshooting, with editing, with thinking, diagnosing what’s wrong. And they distract you from the real problems of life, which are unsolvable and very painful problems.
Also in the problems of moviemaking, if you don’t solve your problem, all that happens to you is that your movie bombs. So the movie is terrible. So people don’t come to see it. Critics don’t like it. The public doesn’t like it. This is hardly a terrible punishment in life compared to what you’re given out in the real world of human existence.

GROSS: So, may I ask, what are some of the real problems that making movies distracts you from?

Mr. ALLEN: Well, they distract me from the same problems that you face or that anyone faces, you know, the uncertainty of life and inevitability of aging and death, and death of loved ones, and mass killings and starvations and holocausts, and not just the manmade carnage but the existential position that you’re in, you know, being in a world where you have no idea what’s going on, why you’re here or what possible meaning your life can have and the conclusion that you come to after a while, that there is really no meaning to it, and it’s just a random, meaningless event, and these are pretty depressing thoughts. And if you spend much time thinking about them, not only can’t you resolve them, but you sit frozen in your seat. You can’t even get up to have your lunch.
So it’s better to, you know, distract yourself, and people distract themselves creatively, you know, in the arts. They distract themselves in business or by following baseball teams and worrying over batting averages and who wins the pennant, and these are all things that you do and focus on rather than sit home and worry.


And that, my friends, sums up how I feel about life. It really does.

this.is.my.life.

ANHEDONIA: an inability to experience pleasure from normally pleasurable life events such as eating, exercise, and social or sexual interaction.

well, minus the sexual interaction part.

you'll always be alvy to me.

so i finally had the chance to listen to terry gross's interview with woody allen. it depressed me (i bet you're thinking "what doesn't depress you?") for two reasons:

1. he sounds so old now. granted, he's in his 70s, but it was still slightly shocking to hear him sound like an old grandpa.

2. he made it a point to go on and on about the fact that people think they know him because of his movies, but they really have no idea what he's actually like. he grew up in a nice neighborhood, was quite the athlete, and is not the intellectual everyone assumes he is. he failed out of college because he wasn't smart enough, not because he had too many better things to do.

truthfully, i don't think i like the real woody allen. nevermind the soon-yi business (i tend to look past such massive mistakes when it comes to celebrities), i'm not even taking that into consideration. he was just... i don't know... not what i expected (cliche, i know). i want this version of woody allen:

partially because he always made me feel better. you CAN be neurotic and crazy and cynical and depressive and funny and smart and entertaining all at once!

or not.

oh, you.

"Though dreams can be deceiving, like faces are to hearts, they serve for sweet relieving when fantasy and reality lie too far apart."

hi, how are you?

"what's going on here?" you're asking yourself, "things look different."

that's right, reader(s?), we're brightening things up around here.

fuck it, i changed the font colors a bit. i thought bright colors might project the idea that i'm HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY! however, i think my tone just crushed my aspirations.

okay, so here's my asshole comment/thought of the day: what the hell is up with every young chick going off and becoming a teacher? i swear, the demographics of IWHS c/o 2003 go a little something like this:

so obviously i am in the badass category, but that's besides the point. is teacher the new default job? come on, you can't tell me all of those chicks i went to school with were like "one day, i want to TEACH! i LOVE KIDS!" because that's what i was actually saying and here i am NOT teaching.

what's my point?

i don't think i have one. i just hate chicks who run out and become teachers because i remember you in high school and i wouldn't want you teaching my kids (this means you, sarah king).

here's where i vow to never have kids. and where i confirm that satan and i spoke and my seat in hell actually sounds rather cozy.

oy vey

i am now the proud lessee of a condo (that's right, bitch, condo) in West Campus. Okay, okay, condo sounds fancy pants but the outside is pretty crappy. inside, though, it's very nice. i can see it being the cozy place i've always desired, nothing like the craptastic Riverside apartment. i even sorta kinda feel like an adult (even though i need to borrow money from my mother but it will be repaid the moment i receive the first installment of my fellowship money).

i've been feeling like shit since yesterday. i didn't make it to yoga because i could barely stay awake long enough to finish eating my frosted mini wheats. luckily, work is fantastic and even when you don't feel well you don't particularly mind being there.

in other news, god still hates me.

this just in...

- i bought new glasses AND some contacts. i can see ALL THE TIME NOW! what a concept.

- i have two appointments on saturday to check out a couple of apartments. both are pretty awesome; however, both might be gone by saturday.

- i did yoga for the first time on monday and i genuinely enjoyed it. did i mention it was staff yoga on sandra's terrace? silly me, i'm so forgetful (i know, i know, BRAGATHON).

- i've been thoroughly depressed lately and completely avoiding you, blog, because i shouldn't fill you with my wah wahs.

- on a brighter note, my job is amazing. absolutely. amazing.

it's been a day, man.

my new life.

y que?

step 2 in becoming the yvette i want to be.

so, guess what i did today...

I QUIT MY JOB, BITCH!

that's right, as of June 5, 2009 i join the (willingly) unemployed. i's gonna be poor very, very soon.

but at least i'll be free.

a prayer.

dear god,
please let me look this hot when i'm in my 40s:

amen.

what i'm reading these days.

So, after finishing Paint It Black by Janet Fitch I was in desperate need of a light read. I made the mistake of choosing this crap:

for the love of god, next time you hear me mention something about wanting to read a book by bret easton ellis, remind me of this moment. this is the second or third book i've read by him and MY GOD it was terrible. "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..." and so it went for a couple hundred pages. i know, it was so obviously a stupid choice. i'm just all about getting in some crap books before it's time to focus on the serious shit again. in fact, that was something one of the older grad students suggested we do before starting the program. so, it's time to move on and i've chosen Franzen's novel:

i attempted it a while back but was just coming off of the first rabbit novel and wasn't ready for another serious read. i'm ready, though, after that piece of shit ellis book. dammit.

a warning, though. i once again listened to terry gross's interview with russell brand, and i'm about a hair away from ordering his book(y wook). JUDGE AWAY...

a new dawn, a new day, a new life

well, it was a whirlwind of a weekend in austin. initially, we had quite a busy schedule for saturday but all was ruined due to the rain. i wasn't terribly disappointed, though. i had the opportunity to sleep in and be a bum with anthony, which was all i really wanted anyway.

i guess i skipped friday. i drove in and anthony and i headed to dinner. eventually anthony, scott, julie and i went to the hideout and drank. of course, my hormones are a mess right now and as soon as i became slightly intoxicated i slipped into this other world and had little to say. i think most of what came out of my mouth was rude or sarcastic. i'm telling you, it's been rough this past week. i'm pretty much desperate for some other option. i can't continue living half of my life in this sad little world.

in addition to a new form of birth control, i am set on getting some sort of physical activity into my schedule. i don't do anything worthwhile when i get home, so it's about time i make an effort to get the endorphins running through my body once again. it's the simplest answer to my problems. in addition, i need to focus on making sure my iron is up and i'm getting enough food in general (GOOD food, HEALTHY food). if i don't make this effort then i obviously don't really give a shit about feeling better, right?

for the first time i feel like i really threw it out there with anthony. i went in depth with how i feel during this time and how it's basically this monster that takes complete control of my mind. it sounds bizarre because, let's be real, it's pms we're talking about here (okay, PMDD is different, but it's hormonal nonetheless). anthony being anthony, he was absolutely patient and understanding. and that makes me not only relieved, but that much more eager to find a solution of sorts before this all takes a truly damaging toll on my relationship.

what it boils down to is that i can't go on like this. i can't continue life like this. in two and a half months i'm back in austin, back in school, and i'll never succeed if i can't get my head together. and it starts today.

"and it's just no fun when you hate the person that you've become: bitter, lonely, and isolated. before i know it, i'll be an old maid."

stolen...

thanks frenchy.

nothing interesting, really.

yes, i'm still alive. things have been steady and i haven't been a bundle of anxiety so you haven't heard much from me. well, there was the trypophobia thing, but i'm trying to get past that right now. so much so that i'm not even going to google and link you to some sites that might explain what that is. do it yourself!

work has become painful and barely tolerable. as of today, shannan is now in my office. it's refreshing after the loss of ernesto to a better paying job. he came by the other day to pick up his mileage check and sat in his old desk for a short while. it was like old times and it made me realize how boring the office has been since ernesto left. i can't handle going hours without talking to someone, which was what was happening with just carmen and me in here (trust me, i tried to work on that... not happening). anyway, now shannan is in here and i'm not nearly as lonely as i was.

'twas a good mother's day weekend and mom seemed to really enjoy herself, which is all i really care about.  

rewind

all right, let's discuss last week:

1. olivia and bill offered me a position working for sandra's foundation (soon to be renamed Mango Street). I am supposed to find out in the next few weeks if everything has gone through as discussed. it'll be preparing for the workshop and taking care of daily business. the "office" is in the king william area, right across the street from sandra's house. cross your fingers for me.

2. went camping on saturday at lake bastrop with anthony, joel, allison, brandon, and ross. it was a good time! seriously, i came back genuinely refreshed. i needed to get away even if it were for only the weekend.

3. officially putting it out there: allison and i no longer hate each other. yes, it's true, i have one less enemy in this world and i feel pretty good about it. obviously we aren't instant best friends, but the fact that we could be decent with each other and hold a conversation made for an even more pleasant camping experience.

it turned out to be a really nice weekend, especially considering what a rough week i had endured. the optimism i came home with, however, did not linger. i've been my grumpy, tired, and depressed self most of this week. ah! with the exception of tuesday night when i was able to go to the game with anthony and joel. 'twas a good time, indeed.

a calculated move.

I was a sophomore at UT when my badass of an american lit professor, brian bremen, made us read twain's huckleberry finn. i hated the book, not because of the use of the n word, but because it really didn't interest me. anyway, it was the n word that dominated so many conversations in the time we spent discussing the book. and it was dr. bremen who made the entire class watch this scene from a richard pryor performance. first, bremen showed us a million different clips before pryor's trip to africa in which pryor dropped the n word like it was nothing, again and again and again. at first, it was hard to see where bremen was going with the whole lesson. it seemed more of a "black people are the only ones who can use it" sort of thing. and then we watched this scene.

don't get me wrong. i do think it's different when a black person uses the word. i just appreciated what pryor had to say, sentimental as it may seem.

i have always taken issue with people using it. i hate it. i don't use it, and, as a minority, the use of it by someone else makes me want to scream. of course there's always been that justification of, "well, black people themselves use it," to which i stick my fingers in my ears (very maturely, of course) and say "la la la la la" because such an argument does not register with me. no, i'm not black, but the word offends me just the same. i can feel my face flush with anger and embarrassment just as it would if someone had said "wetback." and i honestly feel that the older i get, the more it bothers me.

yeah, there's not much i can do right now. i've witnessed first hand how easily i can be shrugged off as some dumb little mexican who has perhaps wandered a little too far from her pueblo. don't count me out, though. i'll be back.

meh

i went to NIOSA last night and it was quite a lovely time. sonia had a hook up and we managed to get free drinks the entire night. of course, as a result i am now hungover and tired. i wasn't drunk, but i did have a decent buzz going. those damn beers are so small, seriously. it's like a shot of beer for $4. when they're free, though, i don't give a damn.

i've ignored you most of the week because i've been in such a shitty mood. i'm lonely, dear blog, and you've done nothing to make it better. why is this? what have i done to you?

so anyway i bought this dress yesterday and wore it to NIOSA:

i was convinced i was going to see lots of other chicks wearing it but i was wrong. just me, which might be a bad thing. meh, can't say i care. for once i was completely comfortable at a fiesta event and yes, i wore flip flops and no, i did not get my feet trampled on. not even once.

i am aware that everything i am talking about is completely pointless but it's all i've got. i'm telling you, i've been in a terrible mood.

i stole this from someone's album on facebook...



cute.

kiss off

i've sat down to write a new post a couple of times. the result was either me staring off into space and producing nothing, or me typing a line or two (including some long and ridiculous html code) and erasing it all once i decided i didn't like the direction i was headed. i think i'm ready this time.

i randomly saw my sophomore year theology teacher, ms. baez, at joven today. she was apparently showing a woman from india around; the indian woman is interested in starting a program like ours in india. 'ol baez was acting strangely, which was kind of a disappointment because i actually liked her back in the idub days. she didn't allow me the chance to tell her that i thought she was awesome for letting me question the catholic church and put on crazy prayer services (which were required as part of our grade). that was a rough year for me and she actually stands out as a decent teacher.

hey so as i'm writing this, baez just walked by again. what's up with teachers not giving a shit about past students? i'd be thrilled if one of mine actually recognized me. you were a teacher, you're supposed to care. okay, i'm being idealistic, i know. just sayin...

oyster bake was okay. i don't think i'll be going back for quite some time. it's time to try a new fiesta event. i drank, got a headache, drank more, felt dehydrated, ate, ate, ate, rehydrated with some pineapple agua fresca.

i'm in a real mood tonight. i pretty much think everyone sucks. i'm back on the muscle relaxers because my jaw hasn't gone back to normal. i'm pmsing and it's pretty bad this time around (FUCK YOU YAZ). let's face it, i'm full of complaints. i can keep them coming if you just lend me your ear a while longer. no? fair enough.

year four

a new day

what a trip...


it's adorable, but her eyes really weird me out.

so i'm back to normal(ish). i feel much better than i did yesterday; you might even say i'm feeling optimistic. just so you know.

ode on a blog.

fuck, blog.

i'm depressed. believe it or not, this time i can't blame it on pms.

make me better.

because i know you've always wondered:

The Second Coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

-- William Butler Yeats

i'm so productive at work

i have for you a list of things that are going on in my life that i would like to talk about. they are in no particular order and not all are (very) important. however, this is my blog and i can (and do) write about the most mundane occurrences. so you hush with your "this is boring" and "who gives a rat's ass?" someone out there cares... someone...

1.
tomorrow is anthony's birthday and i am headed to austin for the evening. i'm excited and looking forward to some fine dining and the likes. i am again contemplating the idea of driving back early in the morning, but last time was so rough. however, that may have been due to the fact that i drank enough beer to leave me hungover, which reminds me...

2.

last tuesday we saw ratatat at stubbs; it was amazing. we got there a little early and were able to secure a spot that allowed me a clear view of the stage. i think anthony and i were both unsure of what to expect, but ratatat did not fail us. the music alone is great, but when combined with the visuals it became hypnotic. seriously, there were a couple of points where it was hard to snap out of the trance the whole thing was putting me in. beer also contributed to the entrancement, but let's not deal with the specifics.

3.
it appears that YAZ and i have already met our demise. i was aware of the potential for an increase of potassium levels in your blood, but i didn't really think i had to worry about something like that. well, given my history of kidney stones and my love of NSAIDs (shout out to ibuprofein), my potassium is on the rise. i've gotten in touch with the doctor's office and i should be getting a new prescription soon. i'm sad, though. i was really hoping that YAZ would be my miracle pill. that's what i get for trusting science. i should have offered this up to god, put it in his hands through my prayers. HA! i kill me.

4.
my dad learned how to text. he was the last of the clan to still use his cell phone for such archaic uses as placing a phone call. today i received my first text from my father. i was beaming like a proud parent. 2009 welcomes you with open arms, dad.

5.
per the forfeited scrabble incident:
i was, at one time, a fan of the drunk dial. in my earlier drinking days i had a tendency to drink large amounts of alcohol, call a friend or two, and attempt to engage in awesome, intelligent conversation. at some point, however, i moved on from this. in fact, i scoffed at those who still made this egregious error (to include drunk texting, emailing, myspacing, and so on). it seems, though, that recently i have taken to drunk facebooking. i blame the fact that my phone has a facebook application. i also blame anthony for having a computer that is always on and always tempting me. i'm not looking to stop such behavior quite yet because it's one of the only times i update that shit or post my status or leave a comment (one of the most intelligent thus far: "gaaaaay." i'm a charmer). i am not proud of my behavior, but you have been warned...

6.
wednesday is ernesto's last day and i'm sad. please, lord, send me another cool office companion (oh god is so not going to listen to me after my remark in #3. stupid, yvette, very stupid).

thank you and good day.

the day after easter...

sixteen minutes now since easter ended and i'm feeling like shit. according to my nurse practitioner of a stepmother, because i failed to undergo a proper course of treatment for my allergies i must now deal with the added bonus of a sinus infection. i get these things every year; in fact, once i swear i had one that lasted for a few months. of course, that was mainly due to the fact that i am stubborn and did not finish the antibiotics as prescribed. this particular sinus infection seems to be kicking my ass a little more than usual, though.

on the bright side, easter was nice, as was the rest of the weekend. my mother continues to spoil all of us rotten and still puts together baskets for all of us. this year was a milestone in that it was the first time she actually prepared a basket for me and my significant other to share. yes, i am no longer the selfish little yvette of yesteryear; i was delighted to share with anthony (so long as he didn't take the candy i wanted -- baby steps).

ah but this was earlier. now i lay in bed propped up on a pillow feeling sick and lonely.

august... august... august... august... august...

in honor of the sleep i did not get last night.

Variations on the Word "Sleep"

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

-- Margaret Atwood

always doing damage control

i was kind of emotional this weekend. okay, i was really emotional this weekend, which was a fitting end to the week i experienced.

let's start with friday. i went to sandra's anniversary thing. she read a new short story and, i shit you not, i struggled to keep from shedding a few tears. in the car i ended up bawling like a little bitch. it was about her mother who died about a year and a half ago. might not have been truly good enough to warrant such an outward display of emotion but I DON'T CARE.

ahem...

i passed out early (also like a little bitch) because of the muscle relaxers. i haven't taken the stupid things since. my jaw, i should mention, was getting better, but i'm not so sure now.

on to saturday...

my boyfriend said something mean to me while we were on our wonderful date. again, i wasn't all that successful in holding back a few tears. were they necessary? probably not. maybe? fuck it, i'm not in the mood for reason nor attempting a cogent argument. so we'll leave that there.

and later, i don't know, i think my body becomes aware of things i'm supposed to remember before i do. we're at the bar, i'm depressed as shit for some unknown reason, and then it hits me... april 18th. fuckin hell. now is that really my reason or is it merely where i am placing the blame? i don't know. i feel something coming on, some sort of unpleasant emotion that will surely lead me down a path of self-destruction.

i need some excitement ASAP. things are dull; i'm dull; semicolons? NOT DULL.

post scriptum: fuck you world for not telling me sooner that velveeta shells & cheese now comes in single-serving cups.

a thousand different versions of yourself

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The sirens are enticing and wooing and tempting you again This time they say have a *really* fabulous deal, even better than before. They're sorry, by the way, about the somewhat deceptive advertising they used on the last occasion you came their way. They want to assure you that they'll never again pull the bait-and-switch routine. So are you ready to give them another chance? Don't look to me for advice on what you should do. I'm simply here to report the situation. Besides, you need a good stiff test of your powers of discernment. Oh, one other thing: To demonstrate their sincerity, the sirens are offering you their first song and dance absolutely free.

When aren't the sirens tempting me, beckoning me with their cries? Yesterday they managed to pull me closer, but today I've escaped them, albeit because of muscle relaxers. Speaking of, fuck you very much TMD. You've been wonderfully successful at ruining my life. If you weren't a part of me I'd really consider stabbing you.

Sorry... tangent... damn those sirens once again...

So tomorrow is Friday and that means I have less to complain about. I'm headed to the downtown library immediately after work for an event they are having to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Sandra's House on Mango Street. It should be interesting and I'll have the opportunity to thank her and let her know about grad school. I'm sure she's just dying for an update.

Okay, obviously I'm too drugged to compose a coherent and interesting blog so I shall end it here.

Oh, one last thing. I wore my super cool bite splint last night in order to stop myself from grinding/clenching in my sleep. I woke up this morning and discovered the splint wasn't in my mouth. Yes, in the middle of the night I managed to take it out and throw it across the room. Apparently unconscious Yvette is on a mission to destroy conscious Yvette. What a bitch.

THIS is real life

and i'm not liking it.

the reality of coming to work today to do groups was overwhelmingly depressing. i kept seeing jessica's face in my head and it made my stomach turn. i know, i know, that sounds terrible, but it's the damned truth. it's funny, though, because before this weekend i was filled with dread at the thought of moving and having to start a new life. oh but mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord and it was good, very good. however, until august i am stuck at this desk, stuck with her face, stuck because i need to pay off my debts.

so i guess it's needless to say that this weekend went very well. although i spent a lot of time questioning myself and what the hell i was doing with these people who went to ivy league schools, as jordan said "we all ended up at the same place anyway" and she's right. my state-school education got me to the same place as them so fuck it. i am where i belong.

jordan, i might add, is a kindred spirit i just so happened to have sat next to during thursday night's dinner. yes, the powers that be gave one last nod in my direction and nudged me towards one of the only other "normal" individuals. and, as luck would have it, jordan has managed to dissolve my most nagging worry by agreeing to be my roommate in austin. i'm finally excited about moving!

now i just have to get through these last few months.

decisions, decisions

I have no idea where I want to live in Austin. I keep going back and forth about the potential location. I do know one thing, though. I want this:



And you should buy it for me.

Saturday posts will be rare

but this has suddenly appeared numerous times in my life these past couple of days. Perhaps it's merely one of those things that I am now aware of and, therefore, am seeing it everywhere I turn. But it's just so random and fitting right now.

Stop your haunting, Wallace. I demand it.

And another...

Sigh.

Unfortunately, I can completely relate to this. Oh the mistakes I have made.

this town don't feel mine.

While at the bar on St. Patty's Day, I heard this 20something Latina yelling at her boyfriend as I passed them on the stairwell. As he ran up the stairs she shouted "Why won't you just talk to me?! PUSSY!"

Fuck. Yes. I will miss you, crazy Mexicans of San Antonio. I will miss you very much.

And in honor of Sandra:

"You will always be Mango. You can't erase what you know. You can't forget who you are."

for those of you who don't know...

i've finally said yes to clive. i know, i know, i didn't think i was ready for marriage either but, sigh, i knew i couldn't keep him waiting forever. look, it's so cute, he's already wearing his ring. silly, he's just dying for the world to know we're "official" now.

yes, i wore green today.

a random march 17, 2009 anecdote:
i was watching the today show this morning and, in honor of st. patrick's day, meredith viera and al roker were in ireland. standing behind al i noticed a dashing young irishman with dark hair and dark eyes. i thought "wow, that's one hot irish lad. i didn't know they had them like that in ireland." not two seconds later al said "hey, give it up for all these americans standing behind me!" asshole. i bet he was mexican. and i thought i knew my kind!

i'm not irish (hell, who knows for sure, though) but i am catholic so tonight i shall drink in honor of st. patrick and whatever it is he did. pinche catholics and all their (our) idolatry. my boyfriend is part irish so i shall make a toast to him, wherever he may be tonight. also, my nephew's middle name is patrick so there's another reason to drink. i went to an irish catholic high school; i'll drink to that, too. my aunt married a man from ireland and he died about a year ago. don't mind if i have a drink in his memory! a couple of weeks ago i saw flogging molly at stubbs... i'll stop now.

happy st. patrick's day.

is this real life?

okay, i believe i have gathered myself enough to compose a blog. let me just say that i have basically been scared out of my wits these past few days. it's like i'm in denial about the entire situation, incapable of accepting the fact that the life i want is here for the taking.

i am going to grad school. i am going to the only school i was ever genuinely interested in attending.

i have a series of questions on repeat in my head:

• why me?
• what made me worth any sort of effort?
• i worked hard but did i really work that hard?

one question i am not asking, though, is whether or not i can do this. because i don't lack confidence when it comes to that. i can do this.

a part of me had grown complacent here at this job and in this current life. i knew that would happen and change was going to shake me up all over again. i also know it's a change that i want and need. i can't be here forever; i don't want to be here forever.

so, here's to my new life. wish me luck.

blase, blase, blase

don't call me latina.

i woke up this morning completely tired of looking at myself in the mirror. i have lived with my face for nearly a quarter of a century and i've decided it needs to look different. i did this to my bangs:

ugh, i hate myself for admitting this but she was even kind of my inspiration.

i know your secret, bitch.

so. last night i went to the bar with work girls. lo and behold, seated at the table to my right was a group of girls that went to my high school. one in particular, who shall remain nameless, apparently still hates my guts. yes, i know, who could possible hate me and all of my awesomeness (shut up, you, i know you're naming names)? to the rest of those seated at that table, it would have been a pleasure to talk to you for a bit. to you, madam, a big wink and an "i know..."

consistency is key.

i had to go to a health fair for a couple of hours today at UTSA. christ, when i actually attended that school i believe i had just about the lowest self esteem i've experienced thus far in my life. what a fool.


i'm completely obsessed with youtube lately. i sit and watch these ridiculous hair tutorials by this cute little asian with great hair. i officially have no life. for some reason, however, i'm okay with that fact lately. i think because it's become more of a choice now. i can go out but i'm generally too tired to do so. also, daylight savings begins this weekend and that means i'm all about running again. crap, i've now written that for the world to see (yes, the entire world reads  this, i'm sure of it) so i must stick to it. i sincerely miss running, though. i could use the endorphins.


by the way, that asian youtube girl is to thank for the awesome 'do i'm sporting today. don't hate.


feels like a pinot noir kind of night. don't mind if i do...

you're here, i'm here

hello, blog, it's a pleasure to meet you.

i had intended on going to bed early tonight and then had a case of the wahs.  i had also planned on catching up on some work that i brought home. sometimes i'm so silly.