THIS is real life

and i'm not liking it.

the reality of coming to work today to do groups was overwhelmingly depressing. i kept seeing jessica's face in my head and it made my stomach turn. i know, i know, that sounds terrible, but it's the damned truth. it's funny, though, because before this weekend i was filled with dread at the thought of moving and having to start a new life. oh but mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord and it was good, very good. however, until august i am stuck at this desk, stuck with her face, stuck because i need to pay off my debts.

so i guess it's needless to say that this weekend went very well. although i spent a lot of time questioning myself and what the hell i was doing with these people who went to ivy league schools, as jordan said "we all ended up at the same place anyway" and she's right. my state-school education got me to the same place as them so fuck it. i am where i belong.

jordan, i might add, is a kindred spirit i just so happened to have sat next to during thursday night's dinner. yes, the powers that be gave one last nod in my direction and nudged me towards one of the only other "normal" individuals. and, as luck would have it, jordan has managed to dissolve my most nagging worry by agreeing to be my roommate in austin. i'm finally excited about moving!

now i just have to get through these last few months.

decisions, decisions

I have no idea where I want to live in Austin. I keep going back and forth about the potential location. I do know one thing, though. I want this:



And you should buy it for me.

Saturday posts will be rare

but this has suddenly appeared numerous times in my life these past couple of days. Perhaps it's merely one of those things that I am now aware of and, therefore, am seeing it everywhere I turn. But it's just so random and fitting right now.

Stop your haunting, Wallace. I demand it.

And another...

Sigh.

Unfortunately, I can completely relate to this. Oh the mistakes I have made.

this town don't feel mine.

While at the bar on St. Patty's Day, I heard this 20something Latina yelling at her boyfriend as I passed them on the stairwell. As he ran up the stairs she shouted "Why won't you just talk to me?! PUSSY!"

Fuck. Yes. I will miss you, crazy Mexicans of San Antonio. I will miss you very much.

And in honor of Sandra:

"You will always be Mango. You can't erase what you know. You can't forget who you are."

for those of you who don't know...

i've finally said yes to clive. i know, i know, i didn't think i was ready for marriage either but, sigh, i knew i couldn't keep him waiting forever. look, it's so cute, he's already wearing his ring. silly, he's just dying for the world to know we're "official" now.

yes, i wore green today.

a random march 17, 2009 anecdote:
i was watching the today show this morning and, in honor of st. patrick's day, meredith viera and al roker were in ireland. standing behind al i noticed a dashing young irishman with dark hair and dark eyes. i thought "wow, that's one hot irish lad. i didn't know they had them like that in ireland." not two seconds later al said "hey, give it up for all these americans standing behind me!" asshole. i bet he was mexican. and i thought i knew my kind!

i'm not irish (hell, who knows for sure, though) but i am catholic so tonight i shall drink in honor of st. patrick and whatever it is he did. pinche catholics and all their (our) idolatry. my boyfriend is part irish so i shall make a toast to him, wherever he may be tonight. also, my nephew's middle name is patrick so there's another reason to drink. i went to an irish catholic high school; i'll drink to that, too. my aunt married a man from ireland and he died about a year ago. don't mind if i have a drink in his memory! a couple of weeks ago i saw flogging molly at stubbs... i'll stop now.

happy st. patrick's day.

is this real life?

okay, i believe i have gathered myself enough to compose a blog. let me just say that i have basically been scared out of my wits these past few days. it's like i'm in denial about the entire situation, incapable of accepting the fact that the life i want is here for the taking.

i am going to grad school. i am going to the only school i was ever genuinely interested in attending.

i have a series of questions on repeat in my head:

• why me?
• what made me worth any sort of effort?
• i worked hard but did i really work that hard?

one question i am not asking, though, is whether or not i can do this. because i don't lack confidence when it comes to that. i can do this.

a part of me had grown complacent here at this job and in this current life. i knew that would happen and change was going to shake me up all over again. i also know it's a change that i want and need. i can't be here forever; i don't want to be here forever.

so, here's to my new life. wish me luck.

blase, blase, blase

don't call me latina.

i woke up this morning completely tired of looking at myself in the mirror. i have lived with my face for nearly a quarter of a century and i've decided it needs to look different. i did this to my bangs:

ugh, i hate myself for admitting this but she was even kind of my inspiration.

i know your secret, bitch.

so. last night i went to the bar with work girls. lo and behold, seated at the table to my right was a group of girls that went to my high school. one in particular, who shall remain nameless, apparently still hates my guts. yes, i know, who could possible hate me and all of my awesomeness (shut up, you, i know you're naming names)? to the rest of those seated at that table, it would have been a pleasure to talk to you for a bit. to you, madam, a big wink and an "i know..."

consistency is key.

i had to go to a health fair for a couple of hours today at UTSA. christ, when i actually attended that school i believe i had just about the lowest self esteem i've experienced thus far in my life. what a fool.


i'm completely obsessed with youtube lately. i sit and watch these ridiculous hair tutorials by this cute little asian with great hair. i officially have no life. for some reason, however, i'm okay with that fact lately. i think because it's become more of a choice now. i can go out but i'm generally too tired to do so. also, daylight savings begins this weekend and that means i'm all about running again. crap, i've now written that for the world to see (yes, the entire world reads  this, i'm sure of it) so i must stick to it. i sincerely miss running, though. i could use the endorphins.


by the way, that asian youtube girl is to thank for the awesome 'do i'm sporting today. don't hate.


feels like a pinot noir kind of night. don't mind if i do...

you're here, i'm here

hello, blog, it's a pleasure to meet you.

i had intended on going to bed early tonight and then had a case of the wahs.  i had also planned on catching up on some work that i brought home. sometimes i'm so silly.